Merrick here…

The magnificent Vern asked us to pass this on. Please don’t make him sad… Here’s Vern…

Dear Spike TV,

What’s up bro. (I think that’s how you guys talk, right? You call each other bro. That’s the impression I get from your logo and your ads, bro.) My brothers, I am writing regarding the series BLADE: THE SERIES which, as I hope you are aware, is on your network. If you are not familiar with it I wrote a review of it a while back. [HERE].

I knew it would have to happen eventually, but I was still sad at the end of this week’s episode when I heard Kirk Sticky Jones saying, “Next week, on the season finale of BLADE…” This immediately brought to mind some questions, and not just about what will happen on the exciting season finale next Wednesday at 10pm on Spike TV Television For Men. It also brought up questions like “Will Season 2 be only 13 episodes again or will it be a full season?” and “Will we have to wait until next summer to see it?” and “Will it be even more awesome than Season 1 and, if so, could that be dangerous?” But maybe the most relevant question at this point is “Will there even be a Season 2?”

So I looked it up and apparently the official answer is an emphatic “Fuck if I know.” They say that while the pilot got huge ratings, the other episodes were just pretty good ratings (not taking into account that the viewers are spread out across four different showings. It doesn’t count as ‘watching’ when we don’t watch it at ten. Honestly, I don’t know who we thought we were fooling). I have also read that the ratings have improved over the season but that you guys were disturbed to find that the show was more popular than expected among women. I guess women don’t count as real viewers either, because they’re not allowed to vote in Saudi Arabia and all the ads for Ultimate Fighting Championship have no effect on them.

Well I’ll tell you what, Spike TV. I am a male individual who doesn’t watch much TV and never watched a single other show on your network. Give or take 5 minutes of that show where you racist assholes make fun of Takeshi Kitano. Despite this, I have watched every episode of BLADE. As a zealous devotee of the BLADE movies and of Wesley Snipes in general, I really didn’t think it was gonna translate well to TV, especially (no offense) Spike TV. I thought Sticky was too short and had too high a voice, I thought the ads looked cheesy, I wasn’t so sure about this “Krista Starr” character, or Shen, the hip Asian sidekick, or this villain, who seemed like he might end up being one of those corny Eurotrash vampires the movies so wisely stayed away from. But by halfway through the pilot I was letting my guard down and by episode 2 I was hooked. BLADE for life, bitches. I mean, bros. You won me over.

If your problem is just that you hate and fear women, and don’t want them to increase your viewership and make you into a real network instead of a national joke that everbody flips past, I say it’s time to get over that fear. I’m telling you this as your friend, because I care about you. In a male bonding, teammate kind of way, not like we’re gonna even man hug or anything. But you know what, if you watch the show BLADE you can actually learn about these women. They can be strong, intelligent and complicated, and they can fight. Also they can walk around naked and at the end of episode 12 they can kiss each other. They can get blown up but they can heal if they are vampires, they have a supply of blood, and they rest in the hospital for one full episode. What I’m saying is that these women that are fucking your shit up are actually pretty cool. I’m sure if you need them to watch wrestling or buy Ax body spray or whatever stupid bullshit it is that will make you do another season of BLADE, they will humor you.

You got a good show here and alot of people love it. Herc doesn’t love it, but he watches GILMORE GIRLS so, from what I understand, you don’t want him anyway. But if you change your mind on that, I’m sure once Season 1 comes out on DVD even he might give it a chance. You will definitely get more people watching Season 2 because they became addicted after they rented Season 1.

So here is what you can expect from us: we will excitedly wait for Season 2. We will buy the DVD of Season 1. When Season 2 finally starts airing, we will watch the shit out of it, it won’t even know what hit it. What we will not do is beg or cry. We will not take out ads or rent billboards or send you silver bullets in the mail or some corny shit like that. We have our dignity. We also won’t threaten to boycott your network because we know you’re not that stupid. (Yeah right, what are we gonna boycott, all you show is ten thousand reruns of Star Trek and CSI, and occasionally a ‘World’s Wildest Police Videos’.) But if you’re not stupid then it follows that you wouldn’t do something stupid like NOT renew BLADE. I know people always assume you’re stupid because you’re called SPIKE TV TELEVISION FOR MEN, but I’m not gonna make that judgment. I think that’s up to you to prove one way or the 0ther. What’s it gonna be? You gonna ice skate uphill? Did I catch you fuckers at a bad time?

If you are NOT Spike TV and you are reading this, but agree that they oughta renew BLADE, apparently you could contact them a number of ways to tell them what’s good for them: 2049 Century Park East, Suite 4000 Los Angeles, CA 90067 Fax: 212.846.2560 (fax them a bunch of awesome drawings of Blade chopping up vampires, I guess) feedback link for Spike: http://www.spiketv.com/interact/feedback/feedback.jhtml.

THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO REACH THEM! feedback phone: 212-846-2560 email for the show: Blade@SpikeTV.com. (I guess since I have their email I should probaly just be sending this to them instead of doing an “open letter.” I don’t want to get on some spam mailing list though so I’ll just do an open letter.)

They always say “be polite” so if you write please refer to them as “bro” and use the word “shit” once per letter or email, since they use it once per episode. If your name is clearly a girl’s name, tell them that you are a tomboy or butch dyke, and you will buy whatever stupid boy shit they advertise during the show. And you will NEVER, EVER fast forward through the ads. In fact, you will rewind the ads and watch them again after you’re done with each episode and then you’ll recommend all the products to other consumers.

Of course, we could also put this energy toward stopping the war or rebuilding New Orleans or something, but how are we gonna concentrate on that if we keep wondering what the fuck happened to Blade and friends? Anyway thanks Spike TV. High five, bud. Down low. Up top again. Chest bump. Now we call each other fags, I guess. I don’t know all your customs. I just love BLADE.

thanks bro,
your buddy,
VERN

p.s. you guys were created by Spike Lee, right?

p.p.s. write back soon

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/30024