Archive for 2008

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer

Wednesday, October 8th, 2008

I’m surprised I haven’t seen this one hyped up on the internet too much. You know how internet people love to be the one who discovered some small time independent movie, so they overdo it in praising the ones they like. At the same time they love their horror mixed with wackiness. Even today, if they read that Bruce Campbell is appearing in a movie, their first thought is that it will be a great movie. And they have seriously considered naming their first child Shaunofthedead. Also they enjoy the hyperbole. And I honestly don’t think it’s because they know they could get quoted on the DVD, I think it’s just their personality to say everything is the BEST. THING. EVER. (or more often worst, but that’s a different topic.)

Despite all that I haven’t heard much about JACK BROOKS: MONSTER SLAYER, and only knew of it because of the cover story in Fangoria that I didn’t read. From the wacky title and the guy-you’ve-never-heard-of-painted-up-to-look-awesome-like-it’s-BIG-TROUBLE-IN-LITTLE-CHINA-or-something cover this seems like a movie I shouldn’t bother watching, but on a whim I did. I think it’s because I remembered a couple funny looking monster pictures in that Fangoria article. Didn’t read it, but I looked at the pictures. (read the rest of this shit…)

Red

Wednesday, October 8th, 2008

Avery (Brian Cox) treats his dog Red like family. He doesn’t talk to him in funny voices or make him wear a dog sweater. But he does apologize to him for making him wait while he gets his things together to go fishing. The movie gets rolling in about scene 2 when three teenagers show up, pretend to make small talk, try to rob him, and then shoot Red.

Going in I really thought this was gonna be the rural version of DEATH WISH 2. Instead of his housekeeper and daughter getting raped it’s his dog getting killed. Instead of creeps infesting L.A. it’s brats in the woods of rural Oregon. Avery tris talking to the boy’s father, but the boy’s father is Tom Sizemore. So that doesn’t work out. He tries to go through the police, through the courts, but there’s not enough evidence and the kids are too connected, so the system fails him. But he knows guns. He’s a veteran. Time for revenge? (read the rest of this shit…)

The Flurry in Missouri

Saturday, October 4th, 2008

Riding the bus home everybody was talking about it. What do you think’s gonna happen? Did you hear what she said this time? Do people really like her? Young women carrying their potluck meals to get-togethers, or calling home for somebody to preheat the oven. Never in my life have I seen – or felt – such excitement for a fucking vice presidential debate.

But I think most of them were expecting a blowout, like Gibson vs. Palin, or Couric vs. Palin, or The View vs. McCain. But honestly I knew better. Yes, she’s a moron who in recent interviews could not name a single magazine or newspaper that she’s ever read, or a Supreme Court case besides Roe v. Wade, or a reason why the things she’s been saying in dozens of speeches or in other interviews (like the one about she knows foreign policy because she lives close to Russia) have any meaning or logic behind them. But I figured they could train her for this carefully planned debate structure. After her interviews made her look like the least qualified person to ever run for office (including Dolemite), the expectations were real low. Not to mention the lowered bar set by Bush, who made so little sense in the 2004 debates that to this day I believe the “conspiracy theory” that he had an earpiece and was confused about who was saying what to him. And he still won.

So as long as she comes out there with two shoes on, no drool on her chin, and never says the n-word, obviously everyone is going to say she did better than expected. And to be honest I was very impressed by her poise and eloquence. (read the rest of this shit…)

Miracle at St. Anna

Wednesday, October 1st, 2008

According to the Rotten Tomatoes, Spike Lee’s new World War II epic has a 27% organic and plump rating (or whatever). In other words it has a lower approval rating than George Bush. Also, by the way, lower than CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK or DAREDEVIL.

I don’t think that’s fair. This movie is WAY better than George Bush. The other thing that’s been unfair is how all the pre-release coverage was about Lee’s alleged feud with Clint Eastwood. The movie is about the Buffalo Soldiers (or “experimental colored brigade” as a white commanding officer calls them in the movie) so some reporter got Lee to say something about there not being enough brothers on the wall in FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS. Then somebody told Clint that Spike said some shit and got Clint to say some shit back and then the two quotes were taken out of context and repeated, so in the IMDb headlines and in the imaginations of movie fans around the world it turned into a battle between Spike and Clint instead of a movie that can stand on its own. (read the rest of this shit…)

Vern Decides To RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP!

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

Okay, let’s say it’s the year 2008, you are a horror fan, and the one thing that would really hit the spot for you in the near future would be a low budget FRIDAY THE 13TH (part 1) rip-off with a unique brand of in-your-face FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOTHER New York attitude. But not SLEEPAWAY CAMP, you already saw that one. Well then November 4th is your lucky day, dickwad, because that’s when original SLEEPAWAY CAMP director Robert Hiltzik returns to Sleepaway Camp with his sophomore directorial effort, RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP.

During the cheesy credits sequence (which I thought was a menu animation at first) your mind may slip away to imagine all the modern ways a new SLEEPAWAY CAMP could suck. You can easily picture the bland twentysomething soap opera actors going through the usual DTV horror motions. (read the rest of this shit…)

Vern’s Got A Contest For You, Sponsored By Seagal’s KILL SWITCH On DVD!

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

Hello fellow Seagalogists and others, Steven Seagal’s latest and most recent, KILL SWITCH, arrives on DVD October 7th. Here’s the trailer:

Seagal plays a Memphis homicide detective chasing two unrelated serial killers while committing atrocities against dentistry and possibly juggling more than one family. (read the rest of this shit…)

Dark Age and Tripwire

Sunday, September 28th, 2008

DARK AGE

In my ongoing tribute to the land of MAD MAX and CHOPPER I have come across another good giant crocodile movie that pre-dates ROGUE by a good 20 years. But this one actually has John Jarrat – the widower Russell in ROGUE, the fuckin maniac in WOLF CREEK – as the park ranger hero.

This one reminds me of RAZORBACK a little, because it reminds me of JAWS a little. The director, Arch Nicholson, was second unit director on RAZORBACK, but his movie is in a more realistic vein, less stylized and exaggerated. The crocodile never runs through the side of a house and steals a baby like the razorback did. The photography is pretty naturalistic, it’s by Andrew Lesnie whose name seems familiar because he did the LORD OF THE RINGS movies, the BABE movies, and I AM LEGEND. (read the rest of this shit…)

Born to Fight

Saturday, September 20th, 2008

You know how once every 6-12 months you and your buddies will have a brief conversation about what a shame it is SNAKES ON THE PLANE didn’t live up to its potential as entertainment? Yeah, I do that too, and the one thing I always bring up is how they had a character who they told you was a kickboxer and yet they never had him kick a snake… or a person for that matter. No buts about it, that is a dereliction of duty on the part of the filmatists.

Well this time when I said that one of my buddies brought up this movie from Thailand, BORN TO FIGHT, as a movie that lives up to that particular responsibility. The movie has a bunch of athlete characters so when drug lords take an entire village hostage and plan to fire a nuclear missile into Bangkok the athletes rise up and use techniques from each of their sports as combat. (read the rest of this shit…)

Lords of the Street

Friday, September 19th, 2008

Take a look at that cover there. If you know me then you know I had to watch that movie.

I’m not stupid. I knew it would be, uh… problematic. “Probaly unwatchable” is I believe how I pre-described it to friends. But I figured as long as it stars the team of DMX and Kris Kristofferson I’m gonna get something out of it.

True, DMX has failed to deliver on the promise I thought I saw in him when I first saw BELLY. He seems to have pretty much lost his mind (up in here, up in here) and is not above making cameos in unwatchable DTV garbage in order to pay the legal bills for his poor driving, impersonating of federal officers and lack of dog feeding. So DMX alone is not a selling point. (read the rest of this shit…)

The Jesse Ventura Story

Sunday, September 14th, 2008

In 1999, after the pro-wrestler and PREDATOR badass Jesse “The Body” Ventura was elected governor of Minnesota, they made this quickie TV movie about his life. My main problem with it is that it kind of sucks.

TV movies don’t have to be bad. There is the obvious DUEL precedent, but I’m not gonna hold anything to that standard. A more fair comparison would be the EVIL KNIEVEL movie starring George Hamilton. That one’s pretty cool, and personally I think a wrestler who becomes governor is an even better biographical subject than a dude who jumps motorcycles over canyons. (read the rest of this shit…)