Seagal in MACHETE?!

seagal-trejoRobert Rodriguez is apparently supposed to start shooting (well, continue shooting since he shot a bunch of it as the trailer) MACHETE in a couple weeks and rumors are flying about who is in talks to be in the movie. I didn’t expect or necessarily want an all-star cast, but somebody called The Playlist along with Bloody Disgusting and others are claiming that Robert Deniro, Michelle Rodriguez, Jonah Hill, Lindsay Lohan and Steven Seagal are all in talks and/or signed on. Most promisingly, Entertainment Weekly got a quote out of Seagal’s representation saying they were “awaiting news,” which seems to verify that it’s in the works.

You may remember that I read the script. I’m sure it’s been re-written, and I haven’t had a chance to go back and look at it again, but here’s what I can remember. Deniro would be playing the anti-immigration senator who Machete is hired to assassinate (actually a set-up), as seen in the trailer. He’s a right wing caricature but described as an independent so that Republicans don’t get mad. He’s an asshole but not the real villain, he’s not actually aware of what his adviser (hopefully still Jeff Fahey) is up to.

Michelle Rodriguez’s character, if I remember right, is the woman who sells weapons out of a taco truck. She does alot of ass-kicking in the movie and turns out to be a bigger character than I expected.

Jonah Hill supposedly might play a character called “Julio” who I don’t remember from the script. My guess is that either the rumor is bullshit or they’re adding in a little improv scene for him to do. I think the guy is funny but actually I hope they don’t do that, there was a little too much comedy in the movie as it was. But Rodriguez does get a kick out of white actors playing Hispanic (see Willem Dafoe in ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO) so it could be true.

As for Seagal, I have no idea who he could be playing. There are some mercenaries and Minutemen that Machete fights, but they’re mostly pretty generic thugs without much to do. Of course this would be exciting though. I don’t always like Rodriguez’s movies, but when he’s firing on all cylinders like the MARIACHI movies he can be great. Maybe if they hit it off he’d put together a Seagal vehicle. In my opinion he should hire me to write my idea THE BLUESMAN where Seagal would be a blues-playing samurai and get to play guitar for real throughout the movie, almost like a musical. I figured John Landis should direct it, David Gordon Green was my second choice, but I’d give it to Rodriguez too since he’s a guitar player. They would probaly jam together in between takes.

It would also be cool to see Seagal reunited with Trejo. Trejo was briefly in URBAN JUSTICE but more memorable from the opening of MARKED FOR DEATH. Maybe Trejo could put him in a trunk this time. That would be kind of funny.

You may be wondering why Seagal might be in this but not THE EXPENDABLES. Well, I got no inside info, but I believe Moviehole’s story that Seagal turned down THE EXPENDABLES because of bad blood with producer Avi Lerner of Millennium Pictures. He just recently got away from those guys and they were the ones who tricked him into doing a remake of a Michael Dudikoff movie. So he has to regretfully decline the offer. Too bad.

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 18th, 2009 at 1:59 pm and is filed under Seagal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

46 Responses to “Seagal in MACHETE?!”

  1. Fascinating news Vern, thanks for sharing man. I would think MARKED FOR DEATH would be on Rodriguez’s mind, since you know this is Trejo’s vehicle, pure Mexicansploitation junk, and be appropriate to see a white action legend get taken down a notch by Trejo.

    I’m reminded of that legend that Sergio Leone wanted Eastwood, Van Cleef, and Wallach from GOOD, BAD, UGLY back for that opening in ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST where they all get killed at once by Bronson.

    Off-topic, but I have a question: Has Seagal or his people ever said anything about SEAGALOGY? I remember of course that legendary picture of Seagal autographing some fan’s copy, but otherwise I wonder if he was flattered or not by it. He should be, but you never know with those star types.

  2. Definitely looking forward to this film after the dead-on pitch-perfect trailer. Always have been a fan of Rodriguez and his films and frequently am confused over the fan-boy vitriol over any film in connection to his name. Hopefully the supposed copious amounts of fertile female flesh cited in script reviews across the net is telling of Lohan’s casting (washed-up actress showing her “assets” after career death / AKA Striptease syndrome)(Hehehe). Hoping for a Planet Terror type of assault on the senses! Peace out!

  3. So I guess in your BLUESMAN movie Seagal would have a samurai sword hidden in his guitar like in SIX STRING SAMURAI?

  4. Yeah , I was thinking of SIX STRING SAMURAI , too , but with more blues . The more I think of Seagal in a role like that , the more I want to see how it turns out . He’s roughly the same size as B. B. King , he’s a good , no , really good guitar player and an expert of swords! Man , he’s born to play this character . Imagine Seagal , dressed all in black (of course ), with round sunglasses like Harrelson in Natural Born Killers and , maybe , a beard, in a sort of biography-action-musical. This can be the Bird+Blind Fury+Buena Vista Social Club of DTV movies!

  5. I don’t know, but just the idea of Seagal being in a R-Rated Robert Rodriguez movie, makes me smile. (But even if he would be in Spy Kids 4, it would make me smile.) Right now we seem to live in an “Old School Actionstar Renaissance”. All our heroes from the 80’s and early 90’s seem to come back, for at least one last big time. (Thank you, Sly.)
    I’m just a little bit annoyed by the casting of Michelle Rodriguez. Don’t get me wrong, I like her. The problem is just that I hope she won’t play the same asskicking tough girl, that she is always playing. I saw her in a German Late Night Show, when Fast & Furious hit theatres, and because of that, I developed a huge fanboy crush on her. She was laughing, having fun with German phrases and overall seemed to be very sweet and charming. I would love to see her break out of her typecasting and play someone, who is not the tough asskicker.

    And yes, I would love to see The Bluesman!

  6. This is interesting news. I love Seagal like I would love a retarded brother. His movies usually manage to bring a smile to my face (some of his recent ones not so much). The good news is: everyone looks like a bad ass next to the effeminate klutz Seagal. This movie will make Trejo look like the ultimate über bad ass. Can’t wait.

  7. Effeminate? There are literally millions of things you could call Seagal but I don’t think that would be one of them, for better or worse.

  8. Off-topic, but anyone ever heard that story about Seagal talking smack to Van Damme at Stallone’s house, Van Damme threatening to kick his ass outside the house, and Seagal pussing out?

  9. Well, Pacman, I was in denial, too. In the early 90ies I watched ‘Marked for Death’ with a couple of friends. One guy, a medical professor from Paris, said: “Sis guy is wery effeminate, non?”. Of course I protested and defended Seagal initially, but ultimately I had to admit it: this guy IS very effeminate. His posture, his walk, his gestures, his speaking voice, his pony tail, his robes (later on). For a laugh, search for ‘Steven Seagal Runs Like a Girl’.

    I still like you, Steven!

  10. OK, I absolutely have to give you the run.

    But as far as the Van Damme vs. Seagal at Stallone’s house story (again) goes, we all know who the more effemenite one is there, and it’s not the guy who shilled wine and mountain dew! And I’m not a “Van Damme hater”, if anyone is thinking that,

  11. Effeminite or not, sadly it seems Seagal is unliekly to actually be in Machete if this site has things right:
    http://www.moviehole.net/200919879-exclusive-no-machete-for-seagal

  12. Don – of course I gotta disagree with your claims. The “he runs like a girl” is the only thing you got and that’s kind of obsolete since he rarely runs anymore and when he does it’s more like a gorilla. I’ve seen him in person and in movies and I can tell you that he towers over everyone and the bigger he gets the more he looks like he could and will crush your head like Jason in 3-D.

  13. Long time reader, 42nd (or so) time poster.

    Vern – I can’t wait to see what you ave cooked up for a screenplay. I would also love to see David Gordon Green direct it. Snow Angels and Pineapple Express were night and day in tone. It seems that he goes for what the story needs and I think if he were to direct your script, it would look and feel exactly as it should.

    You should review your own movie when/if it gets done. I think it would be interesting to see what you thought didn’t turn out how you envisioned it and what turned out better than you could have ever imagined. Or you could just give it a glowing (I’m sure deservedly so) review which would be good to read as well.

  14. Vern & Pacman, I understand that my opinion about Seagal is not shared by many. I also know that in real life, Seagal could easily whip me in submission using just his greasy pony tail. But when I see Steven fight on film, for some reason I like my chances. Maybe that’s why his movies appeal to me. I see him taking care of the mafia/yakuza/terrorists or polluters and my unconscious mind goes ‘I could do that, if only I put my mind to it and had a good squint’.

    In any case, Seagal is number 2 on my list of least intimidating action stars, second only to the great Robert Ginty. Ginty does not get enough love on the internet (probably because he can’t quint worth shit), but his hair alone should have its own blog. Bob can only dream of having a talented and dedicated fan like Vern.

  15. …and here is the missing ‘s’ that turns quint into squint.

  16. Christian Brimo

    July 19th, 2009 at 7:15 pm

    The Bluesman sounds fun but you gotta review WILD ZERO. Just a Japanese rock band kicking alien/zombie ass

  17. I’m just kidding around about THE BLUESMAN. Obviously I’ve thought about Seagalogy enough to come up with ideas for Seagal movies, but I’m not seriously trying to peddle some screenplay. I just thought that one up after I saw his band play because I thought that would be amazing if he made a movie with tons of live guitar playing in addition to martial arts. Who else could do that? Somebody killed his master so he got real sad and learned to play the blues.

  18. Man, you know what would be cool? If Seagal played a BLIND blues guitarist with a samurai sword hidden in the neck of his guitar. Like Jeff Healy meets Zatoichi. We already know that Seagal likes to rock the Ozzy-style round-frame sunglasses.

    That PRINCE OF PISTOLS movie looked like it incorporated Seagal’s musical interests pretty well. I wonder what happened to it?

  19. Hi everyone,

    We just had the immense pleasure here in the UK of Danny Trejo at the London Film & Comic Con, which is mostly a signing event rather than a real con. I got a ticket for his free talk on Saturday afternoon, and was impressed by an audience that asked every question bar one I wanted an answer to, and by the man himself. His story of how he got into movies on Runaway Train, of working with different actors and directors, and so on, revealed an honest, humble, funny ex-con who is naturally a man’s man. He lamented playing a “wuss” in Sherry Baby (his description), since he was the only character who didn’t abuse Maggie Gyllenhaal’s character! – then praised her for being a great actress, and the real deal in an industry full of fakes. He talked about a Devil’s Rejects spin-off, and when asked about Machete, he asked everyone to wait, took out his mobile, dialled Rodriguez, and then had the whole crowd yell “Hurry Up With Machete!” to the phone. He then said into the handset “Hear that? Good.” and hung up. Awesome guy!

  20. I think Rodriguez should have stuck with Jeff Fahey in the Senator role. But I guess if you can have DeNiro, you’re required by law to cast him…

  21. Call me nuts, but I’d actually prefer Fahey to De Niro in this film.

  22. I don’t think Fahey was ever playing the senator. I think he’s the aide that’s trying to have him assassinated.

  23. I love the idea of Seagal for this. Love it. But I don’t know where he fits into all this… would he be a bad guy? I can’t really imagine him doing that. Actually a decent role would be the priest, in the trailer played by Cheech. Like, a former badass who has retired to a life of decency and is called back to action one last time. Kind of like a lot of his movies (Glimmer Man, Out of Reach, Belly of the Best, Under Seige 2, ect) only this time it makes a little more sense because he’s older and the tables have turned a little bit, with someone else the hero asking for HIS assistance (lord knows, Seagal’s lost plenty of old agency friends that way). I think that would appeal to him quite a bit.

    That having been said, this new cast list worries me a lot. Too damn many white people. I know DeNiro would love to do this kind of thing and probably Jonah Hill etc have their hearts in the right place, but eh, I want this to be Danny Trejo’s hour to shine. I don’t want him to get lost in a sea of stunt-cast famous (and mostly white) faces mugging and thinking how cute it is that they’re in this. Beyond that, there are tons of great Mexican and Mexican-American actors out there who ought to get their shot in a movie being billed as “mexisploitation.” Casting Michelle Rodriguez is cool, but hell, is that the most you can imagine? It’s like putting both Audry Tatau and Jean Reno in “The Da Vinci Code.” Get a cast full of people who don’t think its hip and ironic to be in something like this. Get a cast full of people who are willing to take it 100% seriously and let the audience decide if its a joke or not. And most importantly, keep whitey out of it. Seagal can do that (well, except the whitey part) and he can do it without taking you out of the movie’s atmosphere and undercutting the obvious awesomeness of Danny Trejo. Lindsey Lohan? No fucking way.

  24. Majestyk, if that’s right and Fahey is on board I’m okay with DeNiro in the film.

  25. After watching Seagall, hanging off the side of a speeding train, WITH NOT ONE HAIR MOVING ON HIS BALDY LITTLE COVERED UP HEAD, I want no more of him. He is a poser. And he can’t act. Monotone.
    If Fahey is not in the film, they will be so very sorry, because I won’t go to see it. So there.

  26. I didn’t know Fahey had such a dedicated fanbase. that’s good.

    donna81503 – All action stars to a certain extent are “phoney” because movies…believe it or not…aren’t real.

    I hate this nerd game of who would win in a fight, because lets admit it: Would Jackie Chan for real last in a real fight, even in his primetime healthy days of say the early 80s? Considering how choreographed (wonderfully) his shit is, I wonder.

    On the other hand, I’m certain Bruce Lee would have done rather well. Unless I misunderstood that History Channel doc from months which called him the first “Mixed Martial Artist.”

    Van Damme was a former kick boxer, so in his prime? Maybe. Chuck Norris? Partly trained by Lee, and was a karate champ. Maybe. Kurt Thomas from GYMKATA?

    Nah he would have gotten his ass kicked.

  27. I’m pretty sure all the actors in the trailer will be in the movie. When Rodriguez first started talking up a real MACHETE movie he kept saying he had about half an hour of the movie done from when he shot the trailer. The script I read had everything from the trailer in it, word-for-word. And Rodriguez is supposed to be co-directing it along with his editor, which would be a shrewd move if he’s shooting around what footage he already shot a long time ago.

    So I will be surprised if Fahey and Marin are not in the movie. But yeah, if they were re-doing it the priest would be the perfect role for Seagal.

    I never really got Jeff Fahey until I saw DARKMAN III. He’s hilarious in that movie. Check it out if you haven’t already.

  28. I was happy when Fahey got a role in “Lost”, because it’s nice to see when actors like him are getting some attention from mainstream audiences from time to time. It just still annoys me, that in all the episodes he appeared in, he was billed as normal guest star and not as “special guest star” or even “and”. Yes, it doesn’t mean anything, but…y’know. If Danny Trejo can get the “Special Guest Star” credit for one episode of a show like “Monk”, Fahey should get the same or better treatment for being a recurring character. Why am I writing this here anyway, I think I’m the only one fo cares for stuff like that. I’m weird sometimes.

  29. Vern, I’ve been a Fahey fan since Body Parts. You should check that one out.

  30. I have also been a Fahey fan since Body Parts. Have you ever heard about the crazy shit that went down with Eric Red? Google it. Most horror filmmakers are actually nice, well-adjusted people, but this guy is a fucking lunatic.

  31. One would think that experiencing what he did in 2000 would lead to something better than 100 Feet which was fucking brutally shittastic.

  32. Mr. Majestyk re: Eric Red. You ain’t kidding. The guy slits his own throat?! He wrote some great films though.

  33. It’s kind of creepy how many of his movies dealt with vehicular homicide in one form or another. Then again, as his defense attorney pointed out, he wrote most of his movies in the eighties, when automotive mayhem was pretty much a prerequisite for getting your script greenlit. Besides, I don’t remember there being any car-fu in Bad Moon, that werewolf vs. family dog flick he directed.

  34. Just seen this reported over at Joblo
    “The folks at Moviehole recently ran with a rumor that Steven “The Tail” Seagal was about to join Danny Trejo, Jonah Hill and Bobby Friggin DeNiro on board Rodriguez’s long anticipated MACHETE. Seagal’s rep were quick to drop in and deny the rumor with a Zeusian bolt of lightning in their hand, but then something strange happened: those same reps backtracked, and confirmed the big guy was officially in talks to battle alongside the Mexican knife man, if the “conditions” were right”.

    On an unrelated note, Vern I Picked up your SS book last year and have just finished re-reading it. I actually watched a couple of the flicks before hand this time and thanks for giving me reason to watch Out For Justice. really enjoyed it (although it did lose momentum towards the end). Was just wondering if there is any way to get hold of your first book?

    anyway, thanks for all the great writing, if I could find inspiration in anything, you would be near the top of the list

    Brady

  35. actually there was really nothing new added in the news story I just quoted… guess I just wanted to join in!

  36. You know a little tidbit of supposed news I read really bugs me.

    Apparently the big dealy with MACHETE is that Rodriguez is waiting for his CGI crew to finish some other project. You know, because low down dirty gritty action exploitation like MAD MAX and BILLY JACK needed fucking computers.

    And I’m reminded of Larry Cohen. His BLACK CAESAR and its sequel HELL UP IN HARLEM came out the same year, and unless I’m mistaken, he shot HELL on weekends while shooting IT’S ALIVE in weekdays. All in 1973.

    Or after he got fired off I, THE JURY in 1981…within a week he scripted, casted the leads, and got Q: THE WINGED SERPENT under cameras.

    And no microchips to help him out.

  37. Well bullet3 brought this up, and it looks legit.

    DeNiro/Fahey/Michelle Rodriguez/Hill/Alba/Lohan/Seagal and DON JOHNSON will join Trejo in MACHETE.

    http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=57752

  38. Don Johnson?! Awesome. I watched the first season of Miami Vice on DVD last year, and ever since I’ve been tapping my cigarettes and screwing them into the corner of my mouth like he did. Such a badass yet foppish thing to do.

  39. i love Michelle Rodriguez because this girl is fiesty:*`

  40. i love Michelle Rodriguez because this girl is fiesty,’`

  41. i love feisty girls like michelle rodriguez, beautiful woman with lots of action.-“,

  42. Extra, extra! Michelle Rodriguez “feisty” says Internet!

  43. Thanks for the tip, femalereproductivesystems dot org!

  44. femalereproductivesystems dot org sounds like a porn website named by a comically literal robot.

  45. I just added “femalereproductivesystem dot org” to the long list of cool names for my band.

  46. She may be feisty, but does she have a place to rest her spoon? If only there were a way to alert her to the many spoon-resting options available to her.

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