Archive for the ‘Drama’ Category

Elephant

Friday, January 23rd, 2004

Who the fuck knows what to make of Gus Van Sant? Fierce independence and idiosynchricity or whatever for many years. Openly gay independent filmatist working out of Oregon, adapting underground literature and hanging out with Burroughs and shit. Suddenly out of the blue he does this huge hit studio movie with no gay people, but Robin Williams and a math genius garbage man or whatever the fuck that movie was about (I never saw it). How bout them apples I guess is what a guy says in it, I don’t know. So suddenly Van Sant is a mainstream super star and he can do whatever he wants… so what he does, he announces that he’s gonna do a shot for shot remake of Mr. Hitchcock’s famous picture PSYCHO. With the same score and everything. And hire the same screenwriter just to change like ten or fifteen words in it.

Now I know I am against the wheat grain on this one but for me, that was the thing that SOLD me on this Van Sant, not the thing that lost me. Sure, DRUGSTORE COWBOY was a great one and there was some good business in his other pictures, but it was the day he cashed in his mainstream clout to do something THAT fucking ridiculous that made me think this was a guy I could really respect. Nobody else would get the chance to try something like that, nobody else would WANT to try something like that, and anybody, including him, is not likely to get out of that one unscathed. It was a god damn kamikaze mission, or “homicide bombing” as our friends at Fox “news” call it in their unending quest for a new, less accurate form of speaking. (read the rest of this shit…)

Mystic River

Sunday, January 18th, 2004

When I saw the first trailer for MYSTIC RIVER I practically flipped out. I guess not like one of those “geek-gasms” my bud Harold Knowles talks about but more like getting goose-shivers or the hair standing up on your balls or whatever the saying is. I already knew it had cleaned up at the Whatsisdick Film Festival over there in wherever it was, and that it was directed by my man Clint, who actually did the narration for this trailer. There was no scenes from the movie, just a helicopter shot of the town with the narration and then the credits start telling me, okay: Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, Kevin Bacon, Laurence Fishburne, Marcia Gay Harden, Laura Linney… and then it says, “A Film by Clint Eastwood.” It gives you no clue what it’s about really, just shows you the setting and tells you the players and figures that if that’s not enough for you then you must be an asshole. “That’s all I need to know,” I said, but really I already knew more – that it was written by oscar winner Brian Helgeland, director of outlaw award winner PAYBACK. (read the rest of this shit…)

Battle Royale II

Thursday, January 1st, 2004

Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…

Here he comes… one of my favorite online reviewers. It’s been too long, so it is a genuine pleasure to re-introduce the one and only Vern…

What’s up boys —

Vern here, still alive and ready to unveil my first “the ain’t it cool news” review for 2004. Unfortunately Seagal’s new picture with Ringo Lam is not done yet so instead I gotta review some movie about Battle Royale 2 by Kinji Fukasaku and son.

Previously on the Ain’t It Cool News: Battle Royale part 1 is a Japanese picture about a near future where school kids are put on an island by the government and forced to kill each other off. The survivor gets to live, so everybody has to decide whether to a) be all ethical and shit or 2) try to survive. It’s a pretty good movie and because it is brutally violent and not american, it has a big cult following here in my country of USA.

Battle Royale part 2 is the highly anticipated sequel, originally directed by Mr. Fukasaku again but he passed away and his son finished the job. It has been reviewed a couple times on here before by people who hated it and said to fuck it and etc. (read the rest of this shit…)

Vern gets his thing going with KEN PARK

Thursday, September 11th, 2003

Hey folks, Harry here with a review of KEN PARK by the guy we all love and adore… Vern. Vern is our hero and long do we wish we were him. Enjoy…

Hey boys,

Vern here and I just saw KEN PARK, Australia’s least favorite new movie by America’s most favorite pervert Larry Clark. Larry’s done four movies before this. All of them had teens getting high and fucking each other, and two of them were released unrated. He’s known for his uncompromising approach to teenage crotch and ass shots, but as far as I know this is the first time he got a movie banned in Australia. They even tried to show it at a festival and the pigs (or razorbacks, or whatever they are in australia) shut it down.

This movie is definitely a little more graphic than his others, but I’m not sure what it is that got it banned. At first I thought it was the goofy kid with the eyebrow ring eating out the soap opera star, because it looks like they did it for real. But it was probaly a pussy double. So then I thought maybe it was the bondage scene where the girl keeps rubbing the guy’s boner through his underwear. But then I figured maybe not, it might be the scene where the kid chokes himself while he jerks off on camera and cums all over his hand. I don’t think that was CGI, man. Also it probaly didn’t help when he went in naked and stabbed his grandparents to death while they were asleep and said in voiceover narration that it made him hard. (read the rest of this shit…)

Vern’s Amazingly Late Summer Preview

Sunday, August 31st, 2003

Well friends I’m back after a few months of travelling around the world learning every martial art known to man, or maybe just not being inspired enough to write. One of the two. I would like to thank the people who wrote me nice e-mails to make sure I was okay or encourage me to Write again. Also I would like to thank the people who sent me advice about paying my mortgage, penis enlargement, the hot new mother and daughter pictures, my details and especially the wicked screensaver.

As usual, it is hard to write about politics these days because holy jesus, where do you even start? I have noticed that there were a whole lot of us who were right, and a couple people on tv who were wrong, and yet I haven’t seen anybody saying I told you so. Thanks alot assholes, for taking the fun out of “I told you so.” It sucks to be right when being right means that all those troops you supported so god damn much are left rotting in the desert with no mission, no welcome, no desire to be there, and no hope for coming home any time soon, unless they run over a bomb and lose a couple limbs. Every once in a while you see one of them on tv looking sad, and you have to imagine a little thought balloon over their head that says, “4 more years!?” Oh well, it’s a volunteer army, I guess you can’t really complain that you got shipped off to your doom by the same assholes who turned around the very next day and cut your benefits and your pay. I wonder how many of those congress bitches were still wearing their american flag pins when they signed that into law? No biggie, when we’re done arguing about gay marriage and the ten commandments maybe we’ll look into bringing them home. IF there’s time. I doubt it but maybe. Keep your pants on, troops. Go USA. (read the rest of this shit…)

Whale Rider

Friday, June 20th, 2003

Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…

A coming of age story about a young girl hardly seems like Vern’s cup of tea, but I’ve met this guy. He may be an ex-con, hardened by his years on the road and in the pen, but he’s got a soft spot a mile wide. It’s one of the things that makes him such a good read:

Boys,

Well SIFF is over but that doesn’t mean I can’t somehow end up seeing WHALE RIDER, which won best film and best director at the festival. In fact, I DID end up seeing WHALE RIDER, which won best film and best director at the festival. Also I wrote a review of it. Or at least I am writing a review of it right now. If all goes as planned you will keep reading from here and it will be a review.

First of all let me say that this is not about some guy riding around on a whale. I thought maybe it would be some dude who travels from port city to port city helping people, solving problems, delivering goods, etc. I don’t know if maybe he would be on the run for a murder he didn’t commit. Or maybe if it was Seagal he would be an ex-CIA whale rider fighting corruption using his special spook skills, while riding a whale. That’s not really what the movie is like though. If that’s what you’re expecting this may be your biggest disappointment since LAST OF THE DOGMEN. (read the rest of this shit…)

Demonlover

Wednesday, June 11th, 2003

SPOILER ALERT !!

Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…

Holy sheeee-it, I love IRMA VEP by Oliver Assayas. Meaning I guess I think he’s a damn fine filmmaker, and worth payin’ attention to. And double holy sheeee-it with a side order of gawDAMN, but I love reviews by Vern. Put these two things together, and this one just might be my favorite article of the day…

Hey boys,

It’s Vern again, just checking in to tell you HOW DARE you say that about movie piracy on the internet, blah blah blah complete 180, hypocrisy, blah blah blah etc. I have been reading this sight every day for 7 years just WAITING to catch you fuckers saying something I disagreed with. FINALLY I have achieved my goal and you will be QUITE unpleasantly surprised when you read what I have to say in the talkbacks. I will spare no expense when it comes to calling Harry fat AND making fun of Moriarty’s last name. I will be VERY offended and outraged and demand accountability as if you were a president who had manipulated intelligence, repeatedly lied and presented crudely forged documents to justify invading a country, thus creating a quagmire in which american soldiers continue to die every day. (read the rest of this shit…)

SIFF: Vern is cooler than all of us, he’s seen AMERICAN SPLENDOR!

Tuesday, June 10th, 2003

Hey folks, Harry here… Underground Comix are one of the great joys on this planet, one that unfortunately… many in the world have not experienced. Most folks that know of Harvey Pekar, probably know of him via either his Letterman appearances long ago or his radio show. However, they are missing the glory that is AMERICAN SPLENDOR. A comic with his brilliant narrative and the illustrative talents of gods like Robert Crumb (you know him), Paul Mavrides (co-artist with Gilbert Shelton on some of the genius that is THE FABULOUS FURRY FREAK BROS.) and Frank Stack (those wonderful NEW ADVENTURES OF JESUS!) While I’m dying to see this film, having been a reader of AMERICAN SPLENDOR – pretty much all my life… at least since STAR WARS entered the world, I have one thing that I’m dying to see more than this flick… Next year’s edition of AMERICAN SPLENDOR – which will deal with Pekar’s experiences at Sundance, Cannes and whatnot. Could be AMAZING stuff. His Blog at http://www.harveypekar.com has been pretty great through all of this. Here’s the trailers and VERN’s take on the film which has won awards at both Sundance and Cannes.

Howdy boys,

Vern here still at the Seattle International Film Festival which is a very good film festival to go to in my opinion, because you just have to take the bus to get there. If you live in Seattle.

Anyway here’s the deal, I know you guys are still arguing about “is the Incredible Hulk phoney looking or not” and etc. but I got another comic book movie that is gonna blow you fuckers through the back of the theater. You thought Huge Ackman was born to play Wolverine, you thought Wesley Snipes redefined comic book acting with his performance in Blade, well what about Paul Giamatti playing Harvey Pekar in AMERICAN SPLENDOR? His super powers involve that he writes a comic book, he is a file clerk at a hospital, etc. This is a great performance and a good movie and why are you looking at me so blankly. It won sundance man come on. Did spider-man ever win sundance? Did snoopy ever win sundance? Not even once, in my opinion. (read the rest of this shit…)

Vern eyeballs Norrington’s THE LAST MINUTE…

Monday, June 2nd, 2003

Hey folks, Harry here… With reports beginning to leak online that Sean Connery is now the man overseeing the editing of LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN and a bizarre belittling of Norrington in the Post process on that film, it just sounds like a nightmare. I’m still pulling for a fun movie, but I recognize that there has been quite a bit of chaos behind the scenes on this film, and frankly… I’m saddened about it because I saw THE LAST MINUTE last year at Sitges and the film was quite wonderful. Norrington’s most complete film so far, stylistically unique as well as being emotionally satisfying and challenging. This was sent to Moriarty, but right now, Moriarty is recovering from a tragic fatal computer malfunction that seems to be putting into danger the fate of about 5 years worth of writing. He’ll be working to recover this information and will be offline for a bit while doing this. Let’s all wish him the best of luck. Meanwhile, here’s Vern with a look at Norrington’s THE LAST MINUTE…

Moriarty,

How’s it goin bud I know you’re busy playing Mortal Kombat… er, I mean, “doing research”… but I wanted to send this one to you and not harry. Don’t tell harry about this man, he thinks I’m reviewing SIFF movies for him right now. but I decided to take today off and watch this dvd I got a hold of.

This is the story of Stephen Norrington’s third film, and his first really personal one. I forgot he was even working on it until I found the dvd in some bushes. (I don’t know how to come up†with these fanciful pretend adventures you guys do so I’m just saying I found it in the bushes. Is that okay?) You guys reported on it a couple times before it was finished but even though it apparently premiered a year ago at Cannes you haven’t reviewed it yet. UNTIL NOW. (read the rest of this shit…)

SIFF: Vern on SINCE THE END OF THE WORLD!

Friday, May 30th, 2003

Hey folks, Harry here – Actually, while Vern kinda rags a bit on this, I’m curious to see this for the exact same reasons stated in his opening paragraph… I’ve seen 28 DAYS LATER, CABIN FEVER, DADDY DAY CARE – but I haven’t seen CITY OF SARS (I hear that’s shooting in Toronto currently) or SINCE THE END OF THE WORLD and thus far… the best one is CABIN FEVER, and I’m sure it’ll remain, though I still think the best virus/end of the world flick is NO BLADE OF GRASS, but since 10 people have seen that… I’m probably in the minority there. Here’s Vern at the Seattle International Film Festival…

Vern sees SINCE THE END OF THE WORLD at SIFF

Harry I don’t know if you’ve heard of this one but apparently it’s been playing the festivals for a couple years. Otherwise I’d think it was part of a slew of disease/virus movies like 28 DAYS LATER, CABIN FEVER, CITY OF SARS and DADDY DAY CARE. There seems to be a general panic across the world about diseases and poisons like SARS, West Nile, the flesh eating virus, mad cow disease, anthrax attacks, etc. Oh come on, let’s not be a bunch of sissies people, it’s only your FLESH being EATEN by a VIRUS. Really not a big deal. Anyway the concept of SINCE THE END OF THE WORLD is that a mysterious disease has killed off most of the world. Now it’s 12 years later, there are 168 survivors in the San Francisco Bay Area and some dudes decide to make a documentary about it. (read the rest of this shit…)