Why do we gotta prequelize everything? We already know the backstory in THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST, does it really gotta be spelled out for us who the guy’s mom was and what the tax rate was when he was born and all that shit? I mean come on.
THE NATIVITY STORY is the movie version of the Nativity story, from the director of TWILIGHT, adapted from the book by God featuring Luke and Matthew. Academy Award nominee, whale rider and Queen Amidala successor Keisha Castle-Hughes plays Mary, the mother of Jesus. Some baby plays Jesus. I’m not sure if it’s a baby that has done anything else. It wasn’t a particularly memorable baby or anything. I mean, it was fine, I’m not criticizing the baby. (read the rest of this shit…)
JUICE is an early ’90s “hood movie” about four young friends in New York who fall into some stupid shit. Tired of getting picked on by the Puerto Rican kids and the cops and not having money, they decide to get a gun (just one between them) and rob a little mini-mart where the guy is an asshole and yells at them sometimes. It’s not exactly The Thomas Crown Affair they’re trying to pull off, but they’re amateurs so they fuck up this small time crime and have to deal with the aftermath. (read the rest of this shit…)
Oh, is this what “hipsters” are that everybody’s always worried about? I can never really tell. I definitely don’t think these are “geeks,” unless it’s the honorary kind that have to have somebody on the internet vouch for them, like “no, Vin Diesel really is a geek, he showed me he had Dungeons and Dragons dice in his glove compartment.” No, I get the idea these guys are hip, and therefore hipsters. But they might just be civilians. I’m not very good at this. (read the rest of this shit…)
SLASHED DREAMS seems at first like it might have some interesting variations on the slasher formula. It’s obviously gonna be crappy, but that doesn’t always mean it’s not gonna be worth watching. It starts at a school (college I think, but you never can tell how old they’re supposed to be in these things). A girl has just received a letter from a friend who left school to live in the woods, and he says things are going swimmingly.
Class room discussions usually have some bearing on the horror that’s gonna happen later, either in explaining the mythology or setting up some kind of ironic parallel (see the works of Wes Craven for examples). (read the rest of this shit…)
I’m surprised it took this long for somebody to make a straight drama about mixed martial artists. It seems so obvious. It would inherently have all the same dramatic elements as a boxing movie (underdog reaching for the top, wife tired of seeing him beat up, society treating him as a dumb brute, then the fear of losing it all by a loss or an injury, all that) plus the novelty of an expanded repertoire of moves (kicks, chokes, armbars, throws, flying knees) and of being a popular newer sport that hasn’t been done to death in movies. (read the rest of this shit…)
Okay, I know I’m not supposed to like a movie like this, I know I’m supposed to feel guilty if I get any pleasure from it, but I am a man with honor and I cannot tell a lie and all that shit so I gotta tell you that I fucking loved the cheesy dance competition movie STEP UP 3. Returning-from-part-2 director Jon M. Chu steps up (all puns are coincidental) the energy and inventiveness like he did before, but this time about tenfold. It’s stupid and hilarious and stylish and there’s more great dancing just in the deleted scenes than there was in all of part 1. (read the rest of this shit…)
STEP UP 2 THE STREETS is one of those impressive sequels that re-invents the whole thing and gives it new life. Because the main character is a girl, instead of a guy. Totally different.
No, seriously though, first time director Jon M. Chu had to deal with an all new set of characters except for a torch-passing guest appearance by Channing Tatum, hooking up a Maryland School of the Arts audition for his old family friend Andie (Briana Evigan [daughter of the guy from My Two Dads that’s not Paul Reiser]) to avoid her frustrated legal guardian (Sonja Sohn from SLAM and some TV show) sending her to live in Texas, where fewer people step up. When she gets to the school she has to put together a REVENGE OF THE NERDS super team of the school’s most talented outcasts. They’re frowned upon because they have big teeth or don’t speak very much English or are weirdos but they have unique styles that haven’t been properly displayed to the world. Together they just might be able to win the legendary underground (somehow illegal) dance competition called, uh, “The Streets.” Yeah, I think the title came before the screenplay on this one. But it was worth it. (read the rest of this shit…)
The opening credits of STEP UP had me laughing and remembering everything I hated about BREAKIN’ and knowing I made the right decision to rent this shit. A Petey Pablo song plays over a series of shots contrasting two worlds: ballet tippy toes in a well-lit dance studio; Timberlands and high-heeled boots dancing on dark concrete. Then it’s the legs of the ballet dancers hopping around; some dudes in a messy warehouse with chain link fences, loose tires and ladders jumping over each other’s shoulders and pumping their fists in unison. And it continues to alternate, comparing and contrasting the moves of the delicate ballet dancers and the people in their oversized hoodies, sideways hats and gold chains. (read the rest of this shit…)
DRIVEN is a weird footnote in the overlapping filmographies of Sylvester Stallone and Renny Harlin. It’s no CLIFFHANGER, and it’s not trying to be. If anything maybe it wants to be the ROCKY V of Formula 1 race car driving. Or whatever type of race cars they’re driving in this one. They’re not NASCAR I can tell.
Okay, stop the presses, I just looked it up (it turns out I’m on the internet right now). I guess Formula 1 is very secretive like the Masons so Stallone couldn’t get enough info on them and switched the movie to be about “ChampCar” racing. I guess that’s why they didn’t make a big deal of what type of racing it was in the movie, ’cause nobody was gonna get excited about something called “ChampCar.” (read the rest of this shit…)
WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM
if that's your thing:
1. Patreon
Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!
2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody
(NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)
EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.
3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines
(you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)
I also have an Amazon UK one:
(I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)
4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products
(I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)
5. Spread the word
Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.
THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN
* * * *
Recent commentary and jibber-jabber
Felix Ng on Rebel Moon Part One: A Child of Fire: ““Sigh” Just saw THE SCARGIVER. This may be one of the worst films of 2024. Boring and cliche.” Apr 19, 15:02
Ben C. on Monkey Man: “PS To the previous comment left by Ben, from one Ben to another, depending on you and your kid and…” Apr 19, 14:58
VERN on Drive-Away Dolls: “Oh wow, Margaret Qualley lesbian private eye Coen/Cooke comedy sounds like what the world needs.” Apr 19, 13:02
BuzzFeedAldrin on Drive-Away Dolls: “Like you said, it was insubstantial and breezy but a good time all the same. I also couldn’t help but…” Apr 19, 06:21
The Undefeated Gaul on Rebel Moon Part One: A Child of Fire: “I also tend to enjoy Snyder’s movies on some level even if they’re objectively not very good, and REBEL MOON…” Apr 19, 04:35
DB on Drive-Away Dolls: “This is actually the first in an entire thematic trilogy of lesbian exploitation comedies that Ethan & Tricia are making.…” Apr 19, 02:57
Kaplan on Rebel Moon Part One: A Child of Fire: “Thanks for the review, Vern. I appreciate that even with a movie that’s a bit of a turkey, you give…” Apr 19, 01:18
MaggieMayPie on Drive-Away Dolls: “I haven’t seen this one yet but I plan to watch it soon and am looking forward to it. There…” Apr 18, 21:05
Glaive Robber on Drive-Away Dolls: “The reason we don’t make movies like this anymore is because marketing is so pricey. But I enjoyed this one…” Apr 18, 20:30
Glaive Robber on Rebel Moon Part One: A Child of Fire: “I’ve always said I evaluate movies the way I evaluate people, and I have since learned this was inaccurate. I…” Apr 18, 20:07
Dreadguacamole on Rebel Moon Part One: A Child of Fire: “I never was a Snyder fan, but I liked his Romero remake and usually gave his stuff a chance… until…” Apr 18, 17:33
Ben on Rebel Moon Part One: A Child of Fire: “The whole directors cut thing seemed like a really transparent attempt by netflix to recreate the snyder cut hype but…” Apr 18, 17:30
Ben C. on Monkey Man: “I thought this was fucking awesome, basically, and that’s even with essentially agreeing with most of the critiques already noted…” Apr 18, 16:37
Mr. Majestyk on Rebel Moon Part One: A Child of Fire: “I consider myself a former Snyder fan. His visuals used to be something special, and they made it worth the…” Apr 18, 15:10
VERN’S “I RECOMMEND THE SHIT OUT OF THIS PRODUCT” CORNER: