Archive for the ‘Seagal’ Category

Steven Seagal: Lawman – episodes 3-4

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009

tn_lawmanNote: I’m numbering these by the order the air, although the official numbering is totally different on their websight.

Apology: Sorry this is so late. I need time to study these things.
Episode 4: Killer Canines

The Seagal Squad rush to the scene of a burglary. This time they don’t seem as annoyed by his navigating. When they get to the house an alarm is blaring and there’s damage to a door and a window. It seems obvious that the intruder is long gone, but for some reason Seagal and the Squad are convinced he’s still inside. They call in a canine and put him in through the window, and Seagal says, “I hope he didn’t cut his feet on that glass,” seeming to maybe even choke up a little. They don’t find the burglar (he “somehow faded into the shadows”) but they have demonstrated Seagal’s legendary love of animals. (read the rest of this shit…)

Steven Seagal: Lawman episodes 1 and 2

Saturday, December 5th, 2009

tn_lawman2For 20 years we have known the legend of Steven Seagal. He was the aikido teacher, the white man who ran a dojo in Japan and later impressed people in Hollywood so much they made him a movie star. He wrote and produced many of his movies, directed one of them, created a unique persona. He got more and more into Buddhism and Zen, sometimes working them into his movies, eventually being declared by somebody as a reincarnated Tulku.

During this decade, suddenly, we learned that he was a bluesman too. It seemed ridiculous at first, but it was true. It seemed so out of the blue that you could assume it was just a new phase he was going through, but looking back over old articles I found references to him playing guitar even back in his youth in Japan. And I heard and saw him with my own ears and eyes, and he could play, and his band was tight.

So we got used to that, now all the sudden you’re telling me he’s been a cop for 20 years? In his spare time, like in between the 37 movies he’s filmed? Man, I have trouble working a day job and writing movie reviews, this guy is filming several movies a year, recording albums, going on tour and chasing carjackers? (read the rest of this shit…)

Steven Seagal: Lawman premieres tonight

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

tn_lawmanSeagal’s new reality cop show begins on A&E tonight. I haven’t seen it yet. I’ll have my analysis for you when it’s ready – these things take time. But feel free to discuss the episode here.

(And man, I have no idea how I’m gonna handle this if I update Seagalogy some day. Complete episode guide might turn it into a phone book.)

Steven Seagal is The Keeper

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

tn_keeperTHE KEEPER is Steven Seagal’s new movie, still no release date in the U.S. but already released in England, where Seagal is so popular they even published a groundbreaking book that chronologically analyzes all his works up to PISTOL WHIPPED. This one isn’t as strong as RENEGADE JUSTICE (URBAN JUSTICE to us Americans) or PISTOL WHIPPED, and not much better than the okay DRIVEN TO KILL, but don’t worry, it’s much better than the less-than-half-assed AGAINST THE DARK and the Guinness Book of World Records-worthy all time most disorienting editing of KILL SWITCH.

The pace is slow and it’s light on weirdness (at least KILL SWITCH has that crazy twist ending) but overall a fairly solid effort. Seagal continues his Old Charles Bronson phase, and as I re-watch parts of it to write this review I find myself really appreciating the little character moments, a sign of a DTV that’s gonna grow on me in repeat viewings. (read the rest of this shit…)

Hard To Buy

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

Man, if all had gone according to my plan I would’ve posted in a week or so to show off a photo of the all time greatest movie poster. What I didn’t foresee was some other motherfuckers were able to pay more money for a Japanese Above the Law poster than I was.

Click through to see the picture of the poster and feel my pain.

(read the rest of this shit…)


Tuesday, August 25th, 2009

I still have no idea what to expect from this show, but I’m very happy to see that “this is not a joke” as Seagal says. It’s not trying to be cute, it’s trying to be badass. And I love all the dramatic posed shots of him like a movie. In fact it looks better than some of his movies.

Thanks to Vik for giving me the heads up on this one.

Looks like it’s official

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

seagal-trejoA column in Variety off-handedly mentions Seagal being in MACHETE:

“It began production this week on `Machete,’ the film that Robert Rodriguez is co-directing with protege Ethan Maniquis. Danny Trejo is playing the title character and Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Steven Seagal, Lindsay Lohan, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson and Jeff Fahey play supporting roles.”

I don’t think this needs an all-star cast, and I think Jessica Alba should have to get a real job by now, but this should be a crazy combination of people. See, Jeff Fahey’s on the list everybody, let’s stay calm. This is the first time I’ve seen Don Johnson mentioned too, that’s a good one.

I’m sure they rewrote the script since the draft I read, but I seriously have no idea who half of these people could be playing, especially Seagal.

Seagal in MACHETE?!

Saturday, July 18th, 2009

seagal-trejoRobert Rodriguez is apparently supposed to start shooting (well, continue shooting since he shot a bunch of it as the trailer) MACHETE in a couple weeks and rumors are flying about who is in talks to be in the movie. I didn’t expect or necessarily want an all-star cast, but somebody called The Playlist along with Bloody Disgusting and others are claiming that Robert Deniro, Michelle Rodriguez, Jonah Hill, Lindsay Lohan and Steven Seagal are all in talks and/or signed on. Most promisingly, Entertainment Weekly got a quote out of Seagal’s representation saying they were “awaiting news,” which seems to verify that it’s in the works. (read the rest of this shit…)

Vern Has Seen The New Seagal, DRIVEN TO KILL!

Monday, May 18th, 2009

First of all, let’s be honest: no Steven Seagal character really has to be “driven” into killing. He’s never gonna play a peaceful guy living an uneventful life as a librarian or a computer consultant who one day is forced by circumstances to tap into a savage side of himself he never knew existed. That’s just not a Seagal character type. True, in MARKED FOR DEATH he states an explicit isolationist philosophy to Keith David and only starts killing a few minutes later when his sister’s house gets shot up by gangsters. But even in that one he’s already done a whole bunch of killing earlier in life without necessarily being driven into it. He’s never just an ordinary non-violent guy at the beginning of a movie.

And especially in this one, because although he is a very successful crime writer under the name Jim Vincent, everybody knows he’s actually Ruslan (no last name, like Prince, McG or Vern), former Russian gangster. In a rare visual change to the iconic persona, Seagal sports MARK OF CAIN style tattoos on his forearms. There’s a nice badass moment when some young guys are pushing him around, he breaks a glass on one guy’s head and then pulls up his sleeves. The other guy just about shits his pants before he starts apologizing. (read the rest of this shit…)

Vern Vs. Seagal Vs. Vampires In AGAINST THE DARK!!

Sunday, December 21st, 2008

Over my several years as a rising Seagalogist I have been asked many times who would win in a fight between Seagal and Van Damme. I have also been asked who would win between Seagal and Bruce Lee. I have never been asked who would win between Seagal and vampires, but I know now that the answer is Sea(SPOILER)gal. But this is also one of those whoever-wins-we-lose type scenarios because, I’m sorry to report, AGAINST THE DARK may be the least interesting movie Seagal has ever made.

Some might disagree. Many who don’t like Seagal’s movies criticize him for the exact reason why I think he’s interesting: he keeps making the same type of movie over and over again. To me it’s the perfecting, tinkering, and slow evolution of that formula that makes the movies cool. You don’t listen to blues to hear brand new riffs. Still, it SEEMS like it would be interesting to see his first attempt at a horror movie. But let’s be honest, nobody’s expecting it to work as a horror movie, and it doesn’t. So it should be a real Seagal movie, but it isn’t. It’s a shitty Sci-Fi-Channel-worthy vampire siege movie where one of the characters happens to be played by Seagal. And not even the main character. (read the rest of this shit…)