Archive for the ‘Vern Tells It Like It Is’ Category

The Vern has risen

Monday, April 24th, 2000

First of all, before I get into the holy religious holiday of Easter and all, I want to say WHO THE FUCK is this jackass Chris Gore, and how many times should I stab him? If I was a violent person. You see today I was watching the FX channel over there on the cable, minding my own business, when suddenly I see this ad for The Man Show or whatever his thing is called. Now I have seen this show before and the less I say about it the better. So I will tell you a lot about it. It is shit. I will get into that in a minute.

Let me just mention as an aside, a dude in the guestbook says I was featured in a british dancing music magazine called Jockey Slut. Was Chris Gore ever in Jockey Slut? I don’t think so. Was Harvey S. Karten ever in Jockey Slut? I don’t think so. Was I? According to this guy, yes. If somebody could please send me a scan of this or something I would REALLY fucking appreciate it. (read the rest of this shit…)

American Psychos

Monday, April 17th, 2000

This week I decided to take the day off from my World Badass Studies to give a nod to my boys in the horror community. You see back when many of the movie type newsgroups rejected me on account of my harsh language and telling it like it is, etc. I posted a review of the “Sleepy Hollow” over there in the horror newsgroup and you know what happened? Those motherfuckers welcomed me with the openest arms you ever seen on the internet. Those were some of the nicest motherfuckers ever in my opinion. I don’t know what the deal is, they watch the gals getting their tongues ripped out and zombies eating a guy’s balls or whatever, then when they’re ready to call it a day they go online and there’s ol’ Vern and they treat him like just one of the boys. Bunch of sweethearts if you ask me. (read the rest of this shit…)

Badasses of world Cinema

Monday, April 10th, 2000

Well ladies and gentlemen I would like to thank all of you who responded to my last column, letting me know about some of the Badass pictures and the Badasses of the world that I should study. That’s right I would like to personally thank each and every one of the two motherfuckers that helped me out. Jeff and Brian you know who you are.

Jeff gave me some tips on some more Lee Marvin, Billy Jack and Charles Bronson pictures to examine in the near future. Jeff I will definitely be on the lookout and keeping my ears peeled for Mr. Majestyk, Born Losers and etc. Brian didn’t go into the specifics about the pictures but he told me about a couple foreign language Badasses who he felt had bodies of work worthy of study. (read the rest of this shit…)

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai

Monday, April 3rd, 2000

First off folks I would like to apologize from the deepest recesses of my big ol’ outlaw heart for getting this column in late. I know some of you really count on the punctuality of this particular column Vern Tell’s It Like It Is and if it is not ready for you on monday morning it throws off your whole damn week. Without my artistical Cinematic musings, my down to earth stories and advice, you are not ready to begin your week.

Oh who the fuck am I fooling, nobody knows this but this column usually goes up early Monday morning, but this time it was late. If anyone noticed then sorry bud. Remember it comes out on monday gang please read it regularly. jesus.

Anyway, the reason why I was late can be blamed on one individual named Ghost Dog and his picture Way of the Samurai. You see ever since seeing this picture I have been trying to be more open to the different ways of the individuals in different parts of the world, cultures, etc. I think Ghost Dog has a very good point that it is time people started learning from people who are different from them, from the chinese circus acrobats who swing from their hair to the dude in El Topo who has no legs who is strapped to the back of the dude with no arms.

We as americans must stop taking everything so literally man. Just cause a guy is a shaolin monk or a guy with blue hair does not mean you can’t exchange tips on how to live life. I think a cowboy or an astronaut could go out for a drink with say a ninja or a ballerina, and could learn from their ways. This does not mean the astronaut starts wearing a tutu underneath the astro-suit, or even that he does ballet moves while floating through outer space. What I’m talking about is they can get to the core of the thing, the understanding. They can learn from the philosophy or the attitude and figure out how to apply it to their own life. I mean imagine if Clint Eastwood in the westerns had learned how to look at life the same was as a ninja. I mean jesus he would be unstoppable, that motherfucker. I almost don’t even wanna think about it. (read the rest of this shit…)

Oscar Sez

Monday, March 27th, 2000

Well the award season has finally came and went and it turns out there is no surprises. American Beauty won everything, Fight Club won nothing, and that Billy Crystal motherfucker hasn’t come up with a new joke since Running Scared. I mean jesus how do they find these comedy stars. Motherfucker keeps making jokes about the show is too long – hello jackass, if we cut out all the jokes about how long it is it wouldn’t be long at all. Not to mention all the forced pop culture references – who wants to be a millionaire, etc. I’ve been out of the picture for almost a decade I still could’ve predicted this bitch’s jokes with a calculator and a couple issues of Entertainment Weekly.

I also watched the Independent Spirit Awards on the old Bravo channel, and those were more where I’m coming from in my opinion. But the difference comedy wise is this. On the Oscars, they cut to people in the audience laughing their asses off at the stalest jokes imaginable. I mean these people are being too nice, you could be up there reading Marmaduke and they’d be laughing like you were Richard Pryor. (read the rest of this shit…)

pre-Oscar thoughts

Monday, March 20th, 2000

Well looks like I won’t need to watch the Oscars after all, one of my buds just got in a truckload of Oscar statues and we’re gonna pass them out to deserving motherfuckers on the street. If you feel you have been neglected in the past, this includes Al Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick, Sam Peckinpah etc., please show up on 5th and Stewart Sunday evening.

No just kidding bud, I wish. But the truth is I am getting a little nervous, I am feeling the butterflies in the stomach because like I said I can’t remember the last time I watched the Oscars. It’s been a while and I hope this is a good one.

So this week’s column, well I gotta be honest you might as well skip it because all I’m gonna do is talk about the Oscars and who should win and what not. I mean seriously sorry about this folks this is all I have. I like to think of myself as a creative individual but even the creativest motherfucker around has an off day every once in a while, or pretty often in my case, most often on the day I write my weekly column. But the rest of the week, I mean, you should see it. (read the rest of this shit…)

3 Strikes

Monday, March 13th, 2000

First off I would like to offer up my sincerest apologies, condolences and what not for the tarditude of this particular column, which is one day late (it usually comes out early Monday, thanks for paying attention motherfucker). But I think when you find out what I have been cookin up for you you will understand why it was necessary and WELL fucking worth the wait.

You see we here at Vern Tell’s It Like It Is, and by that I mean me, have been working very hard to bring to you an exclusive, a review of a movie that almost none of the other film Writers have been able to cover. It took a lot of work to find this movie and I hope you will give a motherfucker credit for going out of his way for the art of Cinema. What you are about to read about is a small independent picture which deals with issues that are very important to me. It is a picture called Three Strikes.

What this is is a low budget “hood” comedy starring Brian Hooks and a bunch of other motherfuckers you never seen or heard of before. It is written plus directed by a dude called D.J. Pooh which, good god I feel sorry for a man with a name like that, imagine what the kids said about him when he was growing up. You don’t even have to come up with something that rhymes with “pooh,” the joke is already written.

Now the reason this movie has not been covered before today has to do with a little thing called “critics are a bunch of fucking pussies.” As you probaly know, critics have an arrangement with the publicists so that they can get passes to see movies for free before they come out. This is convenient because they can publish the review the day the movie comes out, and they don’t have to waste their piddly salary seeing Runaway Bride and what not. (read the rest of this shit…)

Roger Ebert & Martin Scorsese 10 best of the decade list

Monday, March 6th, 2000

Last week, in various syndicated tv markets, movie buffs and list collectors alike thrilled to the announcement of two new movie lists on the tv show Roger Ebert & the Movies. And first of all I gotta say, what is up with this “and the movies.” I mean what kind of a name is that, it sounds weird. Second of all, I gotta say what the lists were. Roger and his guest Martin Scorsese gave their lists of the ten best movies of the 1990s.

Now these were some pretty fuckin good lists I’m sure, I never even heard of most of these pictures but what the hell I mean I’m sure these motherfuckers know what they’re talkin about as much as the next guy. They got Fargo on there, I haven’t seen that one yet but I got about six people writing to me trying to get me to see it so it is next on my list. (read the rest of this shit…)

The Society for Critics of the Online Film Critics Society

Monday, February 28th, 2000

First of all, is that fucked up or what over there in New York, letting off the four bastard cops that shot an unarmed innocent man 41 times. I mean good jesus what is wrong with this country that shit like this keeps happening. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but even if you really thought the guy was gonna shoot you (and I mean gimme a fuckin break, I’m gonna have to call bullshit on that action) you STILL don’t shoot him 41 times unless you think he’s a vampire. And EVEN if you buy that they thought he was gonna shoot him AND he was a vampire, this is still not the kind of mistake you let slide. If you’re the kind of guy that freaks out and unloads 16 bullets every time you see a “suspicious” black guy, that is exactly the reason why you shouldn’t be given a job where you are allowed to carry a gun! I mean even in the bank robbery industry, which isn’t subject to any official rule book or internal review, they don’t let that shit slide!

Let’s look at another industry, let’s say you are a trucker, and you accidentally ran over a guy on a crosswalk. You can’t say, “Well, I thought he was on the sidewalk, but turned out he was on the street.” I mean you can say it, but that won’t be good enough. This is basically what they are saying. “Well, we jumped out of our unmarked car and randomly executed a man in front of his own house, we were nervous though what can you do. Sorry about that bud but we feel guilty as it is.” (read the rest of this shit…)

Vern vs. the critical establishment

Monday, February 21st, 2000

If you’ve been reading my column since the beginning of the millennium you know about my new year’s resolution to become more established and respected here on the world wide web. I feel that this is a medium with a whole assload of potentialities and I really think it is starting to catch on, that is why I think that the future of film Writing is on the computers.

You see I am a film Writer but it’s like Mark Twain said, what is the sound of nobody reading your shit. Nothing, it makes no sound. That is why I thought it would be a good idea to reach out, network, become part of an organization of other motherfuckers in my same field. And what better society is there for an online critic to join up with than the Online Film Critic’s Society, where Writers ranging from James Berardinelli to Susan Granger come together to promote the cause of film Writing on the web? (read the rest of this shit…)