Archive for the ‘Vern Tells It Like It Is’ Category

Kaufman 2000

Monday, December 27th, 1999

Well hell man I’m glad I ain’t too superspicious a motherfucker, ’cause here it is column number 13 right at the end of the millennium. Not too pretty on the timing there.

Yeah that’s right I said it. I know it’s not politically correct to call the 2 triple 0 the millennium, but that’s just the way I was raised bud. As for all you smart ass mathematician motherfuckers, don’t get your calculators in a bunch. Let me explain something to you bud. This is the space age year of 2000! Things are changing fast, we’re talking the god damn jetsons. I mean was it a dream or did i drive past albertsons the other day and they changed the name to albertsons.com?

Now listen here jack, are you telling me your gonna always think of 2000 as part of the 20th century? Part of the ’90s? That 6:00 pm is part of 5 o’clock? That it turns to monday at 12:01 instead of midnight? Fuck no, you’d never say something that stupid unless you got something to prove. And personally I ain’t got NOTHING to prove. (read the rest of this shit…)

You’re a good motherfucker Charles Shultz

Monday, December 20th, 1999

First off this week I want to thank all the Bruce Campbell fans that Wrote to me after last week’s column. Turns out there are a lot more of these motherfuckers than I anticipated and the legions are growing. I guess the big wigs are starting to catch on and their gonna do a video game, tv show, action figure, autobiography and the works for Bruce. Well i say its about fucking time in my opinion. He deserves it.

As you know this is still a very small, underground type of outlaw web sight. For example i will be surprised if that counter ever hits 5,000. And although there have been reports of a lot of discrimination against ex-cons on the web and possibly at geo cities, i do think that count is probaly accurate. If you think about it I only got about 2 hits for each year since jesus christ was born and i guess that’s pretty fucking small time.

Anyway i got a lot of comments from bruce fans in the guestbook and i wanted you to know i preciate it especially a guy like me who nobody reads his sight, even at the holidays. You’d think they would mention the url to everybody they know just to help a motherfucker out but i guess that’s too much to ask for.

Well hell man maybe some of you can tell this old outlaw is feeling a little bit lonely during this season of high depression rate. but don’t worry about me what i’m worried about is the retirement of Mr. Charles Shulz of the Peanuts cartoon fame and the repercussions that this will have in the real world. Fuck y2k man peanuts is ending next month and this could be a plague on the face of the earth such as man has never seen.

You see mr. shulz is the cartoonist of the peanuts strips, which is where snoopy, charlie brown etc. is from. He is now retiring in his 80s due to cancer and the strip will go into reruns. they are still going to be making the cartoons although i think probaly not with all the jazz music. Although i have not read the funnies in a long time i do happen to know that this little bald kid means a lot to many people and to be frankly honest i’m feeling it a bit myself. (read the rest of this shit…)

My New Discovery

Monday, December 13th, 1999

Okay I’m gonna be up front about this. I know very well what you motherfuckers expect out of me this week. I’m not stupid. You think just ’cause I’m an ex-con I’m gonna spend this whole column gushing all over that new three hour prison movie that motherfucker Tom Hanks has.

Well guess what Jack, there is more to my life than prison. To be honest I don’t even want to revisit that territory anymore because who the fuck cares. I don’t even want to think about prison anymore. I gotta leave all that traumatic shit behind.

Well okay no that’s not true at all. Actually I just haven’t seen the movie yet. It’s hard to get three hours free to watch yet another Tom Hanks prison guard movie when you are a Writer like myself who is busy sculpting words or experiencing life which to be frankly honest is the most important element of a man’s Writing. (read the rest of this shit…)

The Comedy of Jokes

Monday, December 6th, 1999

Well hell man here it is my tenth column that’s a pretty fucking big deal in my opinion. I think it would be unfair to just review a movie for the tenth column. Also no major movies were released this week and to be frankly honest I don’t want to see the Schwarzenegger after all. I read that he has a shootout with catholic priests and that’s pretty fucking funny but otherwise it just looks like its yet another copy of the whole ghostbusters tongue in cheek horror thing.

You see I happen to like humor as well as jokes, when it is good. One of my buds Jeff McCloud Writes to me just about every week and this week to be honest he Wrote that I didn’t understand comedy. Well I am here to prove that is not the case. (read the rest of this shit…)

Bruce Willis in Die Hard: an action breakthrough

Wednesday, December 1st, 1999

[Below is one of the first pieces I Wrote for this web sight, when I was first discovering the world of the Cinema, etc. I am leaving it here for historical puproses however don’t read the fuckin thing though. Thanks.]

film essay by Vernon H.

This page is to promote one of the most under recognized movies in my opinion, Bruce Willis’s DIE HARD (1988). In this movie, Bruce willis plays a cop who finds out that TERRORISTS have taken over the building of his wife’s work at christmas time. What bruce does is basically pick off the terrorists one by one, killing them, etc. These are germans with a leader named Hans Grueber. It shows that one man can take on the system BY HIMSELF. This is a big inspiration to convicts, underdogs and anyone who ever had to take on incredible odds. Also it is interesting to note that Bruce is wearing NO SHOES OR SOCKS while he takes on these Terrorists, including when he must walk over broken glass. That’s right – BARE FEET.

Now I know what your saying, Bruce willis in an action movie? But hold on just a second there bud.

Although bruce is known mainly for being a comedian on the tv show Moonlighting, I think there is a little more to bruce that a lot of people haven’t been willing to acknowledge. First of all, moonlighting although there is romance in comedy can also be an action show. For example in the pilot (term for first episode) I believe there was a scene of bruce running all over the city chasing a dude (although with shoes on).

Now i know there is a prejudice against tv actors trying to make it on the big screen, just as there is a prejudice against ex-cons trying to go clean in the real world. HOWEVER, i don’t think it’s fair to consider Bruce to be ONLY a tv actor, although yes he has done Moonlighting.

And in fact his background in comedy helps out for the “one liners,” where bruce says a funny or clever thing as the Terrorist dies. “Yippy kie yah motherfucker!” Although i like van damme quite a bit I believe bruce is actually better at this sort of technique.

Although Die Hard has had little hype or press, i believe that it’s time will come soon when it will be acknowledged as a breakthrough in the world of action movies. They don’t really make movies like that anymore in my opinion. Although its influence is yet to be shown, I think within ten years all action movies will owe a great debt to Die Hard, just as horror movies owe a debt to the Chucky movies.

In the movie, Bruce Willis is named “John Mcclane”

Just my two cents

Sleepy Hollow

Monday, November 22nd, 1999

This week what I saw was a piece by the name of Sleepy Hollow. This is what you call an old fashioned horror type movie based on that old story of the decapitated horseman. What he does is he goes around chopping off motherfuckers heads with an ax goin “Where’s my head? Where’s my head motherfucker give it back!” Or at least, that is what he’s communicating through the medium of head chopping.

Now first of all, if any of you like me saw halloween 20 last halloween, your probably thinking the same thing I am – could it be… michael meyers is the headless horseman? Because remember michael also got his head chopped off with an ax. And yeah nobody ever taught him how to ride a horse but then nobody taught him how to drive a car either but he was doing very well last night. Anyway I don’t want to give anything away but its not him unfortunately in sleepy hollow because it takes place in a different time period. SOrry.

Well obviously what you gotta do in a headless horseman type situation like this, even if its not michael meyers, you gotta figure out what the hell is up with this fucker and catch him. Let me tell you i’m glad this dude doesn’t get locked up in the end, i would feel bad for the inmates that have to deal with a dude with no head, that’s just creepy.

So anyway the dude who goes after him is kind of a sissy type fella by the name of Ichabod Crane. Apparently he’s some sort of cop although without a uniform or a badge I’m just going to let it slide and say, okay, this dude is all right with me. Even if he’s wearing some kind of lady’s scarf which I guess was considered less taboo at the time this takes place. (read the rest of this shit…)

Toy Story 2

Friday, November 19th, 1999

Now correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t Richard Pryor ALSO have a movie by the name of toy story. This was not one of mr. Pryor’s better pictures in my opinion, its the one where a rich white kid buys richard as a toy. He says “a big train set won’t do it for me dad, I need a famous black comic to degrade.” The basic type of humor is Richard falls in the water and runs around in fast speed while the piranhas bite him in the ass. This may have paved the way for many of the Sinbad pictures I’ve seen on cable however in MY opinion it still is not one of the high points in pryors career.

Well I guess you can tell that I’ve been out of the picture for a while because i never heard of this other toy story and here i thought this was going to be the new Richard Pryor. To be honest I promised some dudes over on alt.horror I was gonna review the End of Days this week, but I’m afraid I let them down. Arnold (who by the way I strongly suspect is a kraut despite his front as an all american restaranteur type dude) probably lifts weights as much as a lot of the guys inside. However what Richard has is a quick wit and ability to transform himself into a thousand characters, even animals or inanimated objects (he could have easily played an etchasketch or yoyo in this movie, and convincing as hell too). This is a funny motherfucker with some great fucking stories and even is attempting to go clean for quite a few years. In my new positive life it is this type of intelligent talents that I must value over the muscles. Arnold unfortunately is not a funny motherfucker judging by the 15 minutes of Jingle All of the Way I watched on tv tonight. That is got to be one of the worst executed pieces of comedy i have EVER fucking seen, even if you count the web sight Rob and Marge’s Laugh Central. Sorry arnold. Read a book.

Well as you probaly know by now if you’ve seen toy story 2, richard pryor isn’t in it at all. What this is is a VERY fucking strange story where the toys such as a cowboy doll and a spaceman named Buzz Lightyear come to life when your not looking. There is a fat dude who steals the cowboy doll. This is a dude who collects cowboys and when he gets all of them he’s going to sell them to a museum. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with this motherfucker he collects all this stuff and as far as I can tell doesn’t even like cowboys. He doesn’t have any cowboy toys in his house that he plans to keep and he doesn’t even wear boots or own a horse. In my opinion this is the same type of dude who runs the movie studios today, who likes money but not movies but maybe got fired from the bank or the US mint or wherever people who have a passion for money work. So he controls the movie studio from a little different perspective than any normal person with a beating heart who loves and enjoys the Cinema artform. (read the rest of this shit…)

Vern vs. that punk ass weasel motherfucker Jailhouse Jim

Monday, November 15th, 1999

Let me tell you this column is hard for me to Write because I have tried hard since my emancipation from the confinement of prison to be Positive, to live a clean life and to avoid conflict as well as negativity, crime and armed robbery, etc. There have been exceptions such as the incident on Halloween in which I broke the little prick’s ribs for smashing MY jackolanterns on MY property, but I’m not going to talk about that due to a pending lawsuit as far as I’m concerned. (By the way, allegedly broke the little prick’s ribs.)

However there are some things that happen in a man’s life where he really has no choice but to get REAL fucking angry and in these times it is only right for a motherfucker in this situation to express himself.

The motherfucker causing this particular situation is a pantywaist janey by the name of Jailhouse Jim, who has a web site called Jailhouse Jim’s Convict Flicks. This dude is claiming to be an ex-con like myself and, like myself, claims to “tell it like it is” when he is, like myself, discussing the films of Cinema. He has even gone so far as to call himself “the original ex-con movie critic” although nobody has ever heard of this motherfucker before so he obviously came after yours truly.

Now what upsets me about this dude is not that he has no ideas of his own and sucks out the very heart of what I have worked so hard to accomplish and claims it as his own while giving no credit to the true creator. What upsets me is THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS A SLICK HOLLYWOOD BASTARD WHO IS MORE INTERESTED IN THE MONEY THAN IN THE ART OF THE CINEMA. He uses words like “boffo box office” and “box office dud” and “sizzles” and “cutie patootie” and as you can imagine I am going to cut this motherfucker’s balls off when I find out who he is. (read the rest of this shit…)

Princess Mononoke

Monday, November 8th, 1999

Well damn man this is the problem I’m having. Apathy. Lack of participation. Nobody likes me. Etc.

Now don’t get me wrong, I really really appreciate you motherfuckers who read the column. You know who you are. But it’s hard when a dude pours his heart into a thing like this and nobody fucking cares.

Now okay, I can’t make you care about an old ex-con who is currently facing a possible lawsuit due to an incident which occured on the evening of October 31st on my own fucking property. It’s up to you to show a little fucking human emotion and caring, in my opinion.

What I’m asking is this though. I know there are like two or three of you motherfuckers who CLAIM you like my Writing. IF in fact that is the case you gotta help me out man. Now if I was Writing a book, or a fucking newspaper, or god help me a fucking talk show monologue – okay, if that was the case, you motherfuckers would be perfectly appropriate just sitting there on your ass not sayin nothing.

HOWEVER, this is the medium of THE FUCKING WEB which is about INTERACTIVE Writing and etc. It is not a passive medium in my opinion and anyone who thinks a web Sight should be the same as a newspaper I would like to talk to a motherfucker who believes that I have a few choice words for the little prick. (read the rest of this shit…)

A sort of block that prevents me from having something good to write about

Wednesday, November 3rd, 1999

Okay now look guys. I missed my Monday deadline but there is a legitimate excuse. I spent Sunday night in jail after cracking the ribs of the little prick who smashed my jackolanterns. Now i don’t know how much you guys are into halloween but i think you would agree don’t fuck with a man’s jackolanterns.

I hope nobody was disapointed by my lateness since i did an extra halloween column. So lets face it you motherfuckers can’t complain.
On the other hand you can complain about this week’s column now that its arrived, because i’m going to tell you straight off, this one is going to be shit. I don’t have a movie to Write about so I’m just basically gonna be shooting the shit. And i have a sort of block that prevents me from having something good to Write about. Sorry.

I want to say thanks bud to my fans, i think there are at least ten of them at this point. I have gotten some nice e-mails and my guestbook thing has been signed by some real cool motherfuckers. i even got it signed by the dude who created the comic book that the tv show “harsh realm” is based on. sorry about the show man, i hope reading my sight didn’t jinx you.

At the same time i want to give a big fucking fuck you to the stupid motherfuckers who criticize me in the guestbook. Jesus fucking christ man do you know any manners. this sight is not about relgion so why the fuck you have to blaspheme against my fucking tenets in a man’s own guestbook. I’m not here to talk about religion i am here to talk about the art of Writing and cinema. if you want to pick on people for their religion go to an airport motherfucker. And anyway you should read Vern Tell’s It Like It Is #3 Mambo Socks below if you want to find out what a fucking prick you are for judging a dude without knowing about his life and journey. (read the rest of this shit…)