They’re scientists, but they’re cowboys. And they follow the wind. When they get the call they strut and they smile at each other knowingly as they hop into their Jeeps and trucks, slam on the gas and hurtle toward the danger, thinking nothing of it except ha ha, what a fun time we’re having here. They playfully exchange lingo-filled banter over the CB as they look up to the sky or down to the dots on their computer screens. They each have their own quirks and their own styles of musical accompaniment and their own ways of yelling “WAHOO!” in the face of God’s mighty wrath.
They are the wildpeople of weather, the maniacs of meteorology, the tornado terrorists, the thunder jockeys, the Doppler demons, the Hell’s Angels of nerds. They are the storm chasers, and they absolutely will not stop, ever, until they deploy their new device designed to release hundreds of small floating sensors into a tornado to measure it from the inside and obtain data that could potentially help improve early storm warning systems in the future.
Let’s face it, MAD MAX: FURY ROAD means this is an all time great movie summer. Whatever else comes out, who gives a shit. Irrelevant. It could be nothing but THE COBBLER coming out every week until September and it would still be one for the record books. Therefore it seems weird to be praising a more normal, not world-shattering part 4 movie in this same summer, but I’m an honest man so I have to do it. JURASSIC WORLD is a solid, fun sequel and although I’m not sure I liked it quite as much as I liked LOST WORLD when I first saw that, I think this is the best of the sequels.
But Vern, you’re saying, THE LOST WORLD sucks. Hold onto your buts. I admit that my tastes in Jurassic Parks are different from most people around here. So I’m sure you will disagree with me that this is clearly, by far, for sure without even a remote question the best of the non-Spielberg-directed JP joints on every possible level forever and always amen may the force be with you and I hope they burn in hay-ell.
It’s odd that they waited 22 years to do this premise. In retrospect it seems like parts 2 and 3 were treading water trying to figure out what the hell to do in the wreckage of the actual Jurassic Park, the aftermath of the failed pre-opening in part 1. This time it’s a natural extension of that first concept. What would it be like if they actually got their shit together and opened the park, and made it work for a while and become a popular vacation destination before nature finds a way to fuck it up? Isn’t it time we actually saw Ian Malcolm’s prediction of the Pirates of the Caribbean eating the tourists? (read the rest of this shit…)
Here’s a funny thing that was different back in 1995: Bruce Campbell was so worshipped as a cult star that the idea of him being in a blockbuster movie was thrilling to people. He had done the EVIL DEAD trilogy and the MANIAC COP pictures and did a couple seasons of The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. but that didn’t really catch on in the mainstream. And he seemed like their secret but somehow they wanted everybody to know. He made it to the semi-big-ish time with little cameos in DARKMAN and THE HUDSUCKER PROXY, but people still wanted him to star in some big movie and be the next, I don’t know, Kurt Russell or somebody.
And then he was in the trailer for this new Michael Crichton movie CONGO. Had the misguided dreams of horror nerds come true at last? Would they be able to finally share their hero not just with the Johnny-come-latelies who saw ARMY OF DARKNESS before the other ones, but with the whole world?
Well, the fact that the camera zoomed in on his screaming face during the trailer seemed to indicate that he wasn’t gonna make it to the end. Still, word of disappointment spread fast when people saw the movie and discovered that he bites it in the opening scene. The whole movie is about a rescue mission to come find him, even though we got a pretty idea they’re gonna be rescuing a dead body. (They do manage to find John Hawkes still alive, but catatonic, and then he freaks out and dies.) Anyway, I mention this movie to people 20 years later, that’s still the first thing that comes up. The wound has not healed. (read the rest of this shit…)
THE 13TH WARRIOR sounds like a pretty badass thing to be, but let’s be clear: Ahmed ibn Fadlan (Antonio Banderas) is number thirteen out of thirteen. In other words, the last guy to be picked.
Well, I guess it’s not exactly a nerd-in-gym-class scenario, they do want him. He’s drafted against his wishes. But not like he’s some John McClane type reluctant hero. He doesn’t want to go because he’s unqualified. He’s not a warrior, he’s an Arab poet who got too flirty with some caliph’s girl or something so they made him an ambassador and sent him packing, the poet equivalent of the alternate ending of TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A. where he gets transferred to Alaska. Ahmad ends up hanging out with these “Northmen,” or vikings. Their king has just died and gone to Valhalla to kick it V.I.P. (vikings in paradise) style, but Ahmed is taken in by the heir apparent Buliwyf (Vladimir Kulich), shown some of their ways and pushed into service with this dirty baker’s dozen on a mission to protect a village that’s been attacked by monsters that come from the fog, ravage villages and tear off people’s heads. And they take the heads with them when they leave. Choppers keepers. (read the rest of this shit…)
Somehow I’ve gone all these years and never reviewed a JURASSIC PARK movie. Somewhere in a notebook I think I have a partly written review of THE LOST WORLD from the last time I watched it, and I could’ve sworn I reviewed part 3 back when it came out, but no. Nothing. Until now. So hold onto your butts… IN 3-D!
JURASSIC PARK would be a hard one to find a new angle on. It’s been around for 20 years, widely seen since day 1, broadly enjoyable and rightfully appreciated. In the rankings of Spielberg’s summer blockbuster movies I’d have to put it way below big daddy JAWS, because the characters are less nuanced, their actions are less believable, the quiet moments aren’t as deep, the emphasis is more on spectacle (if only because the special effects worked this time), the whole feel is more artificial. But just holding it up against these type of movies in general it places pretty fuckin high on the totem pole.
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Recent commentary and jibber-jabber
Muh on Masters of the Universe (2026): “Shrek was the culmination of snark maybe, but y’all are forgetting the 90s where if you’d have to BEG for…” Jun 8, 22:45
CJ Holden on Masters of the Universe (2026): “Tim Bobo, I think the GOTG movies are not to blame for it at all, because they are brutally honest…” Jun 8, 22:25
grimgrinningchris on Masters of the Universe (2026): “I’m not going to “read the rest of this shit” or any of these comments- unless you address me by…” Jun 8, 22:18
Alex R on Masters of the Universe (2026): “Majestyk, I was also thinking of Shrek as the point most of this meta winking stuff draws from now. Whedon…” Jun 8, 18:37
Zed on Masters of the Universe (2026): “I was the right age for MOTU, but it was never really my thing. That said, on 2026 I’d see…” Jun 8, 16:44
Crudnasty on Masters of the Universe (2026): “I had a Castle Greyskull playset and a battle damage He-Man with a Battle Cat figure (that shit was cool…” Jun 8, 16:37
Curt on Masters of the Universe (2026): “I will further expand on my “it’s funny because it’s a cheesy toy” theory of humor: It worked in BARBIE…” Jun 8, 15:41
Mr. Majestyk on Masters of the Universe (2026): “Whedon gets a lot of blame for the snarkification of sci-fi-fantasy cinema, but I think it’s a case of his…” Jun 8, 15:14
Tim Bobo on Masters of the Universe (2026): “I feel like the success of Guardians of the Galaxy has sort of ruined the old school straight forward adventure/fantasy…” Jun 8, 14:48
Curt on Masters of the Universe (2026): “I just had another theory about this movie: It might be trying to emulate the type of jokes in BARBIE…” Jun 8, 14:34
Dooley the Gravedigger on Masters of the Universe (2026): “Ironic snark wasn’t really a thing with all the 80’s movies we grew up on, then Whedon and Marvel had…” Jun 8, 14:18
Alex R on Masters of the Universe (2026): “The Travis Knight “one of the most unusual nepo babies” thing Vern brings up here is something I’ve thought a…” Jun 8, 12:18
Aktion Figure on Masters of the Universe (2026): “Stray thought but the way you describe this flick calls to mind Tsui Hark era HK fantasy; totally broad, much…” Jun 8, 12:01
Curt on Masters of the Universe (2026): “Vern, that closing joke in the movie definitely made me think of the times you’ve called out similar jokes in…” Jun 8, 10:27
Tim Bobo on Masters of the Universe (2026): “Was never really a He Man fan to be honest, so I’ll wait for streaming. Hollywood, give me that Thundaar…” Jun 8, 09:31
May 10, 1996
Let’s face it, 
THE 13TH WARRIOR sounds like a pretty badass thing to be, but let’s be clear: Ahmed ibn Fadlan (Antonio Banderas) is number thirteen out of thirteen. In other words, the last guy to be picked.
Somehow I’ve gone all these years and never reviewed a JURASSIC PARK movie. Somewhere in a notebook I think I have a partly written review of THE LOST WORLD from the last time I watched it, and I could’ve sworn I reviewed part 3 back when it came out, but no. Nothing. Until now. So hold onto your butts… IN 3-D!
