Vern Reviews TURISTAS!!

Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

As I sit here putting together today’s updates, it is always a bonus pleasure when Vern sends me something to post. Today is no exception.

Trust no one. Anywhere. Except Vern.

This week’s horror movie is called TURISTAS (Portuguese for ‘Hostel’). It’s another story of young good looking backpackers whose vacations go badly due to bodily mutilation, etc. A crowded bus swerves to miss some asshole kids with surfboards and falls off a cliff. Luckily everybody gets out in time. The next bus won’t be for ten hours so some of the English-speakers band together and find a cool beachfront bar where they dance, make new friends, meet women and have such a good time they decide to ditch the bus.

TuristasSo the vacation has taken a lucky turn, right? WRONG. We know this bar is too good to be true, not just because we’ve seen movies before, but because the movie lets us hear the bartender calling a local doctor and telling him she has some more gringoes for him. And I don’t think she means for him to give them their annual exam. When they wake up in the morning they’ve been drugged and robbed, and their new Swedish friends are gone. They’re in a foreign land where most of them don’t speak the language. They have no way home, no money, no passports, and some little kids are wearing their clothes. It could be worse though, the doctor could’ve planned better and had them all transported to the remote cabin where he plans to take out their kidneys, instead of leaving them on the beach far from the operating table. But don’t worry, he’ll get them there.

I’ll be honest. I don’t like tourists either. Even here in Seattle we get invaded by the fuckers. Whatever city you’re in, you can probaly relate. Here they got this thing called “Ride the Ducks,” an amphibious tour boat/car thing. If you’re walking peacefully downtown and you hear either “YMCA” or “Brick House” blaring and a bunch of assholes blowing on kazoos, you know they’re coming. I don’t know what exactly they’re getting a tour of, it’s a regular city with people walking down sidewalks. I’m not a zebra, I’m just a dude going to the Adidas Store or whatever. And traditional family values prevents you from flipping them off or yelling “go fuck yourself” cause there’s kids on that thing.

Or what about Pike Place Market? You want to take that piss-smelling stairway to cut down to the waterfront, or you need those little donuts the punk rock kids make. But there’s one thing blocking your path: a crowd of a hundred dipshits waiting at the fish stand. For them to throw fish.

There’s no show here, people. There’s no puppets or nothin. It’s some guys passing fish back and forth. What is so god damn fascinating about a guy tossing a fish to another guy? I know, I know, it’s famous, they got it on postcards, Spike Lee put it in a Levis commercial once. So what? Boy’s Town Nebraska has the world’s largest ball of stamps, but I doubt they get as many jackasses pissing themselves over that, despite it being an undeniably more impressive achievement than one guy throwing a fish and another guy catching the fish. Unless it is some kind of giant or super-intelligent fish, which it is not.

So yes, I hate the fucking tourists. But even I wouldn’t cut them open and steal their organs. Would I want to? Yes. Would I maybe prep them for surgery? Perhaps. But would I go through with it? No. You gotta draw a line and in my opinion (not to be too preachy but) cutting out a tourist’s organs is going too far. Especially if you’re going to sell them. Because then you have to ask yourself whether it’s really your passion for killing tourists that is driving you or whether you’re just in it for the money. Money poisons the well, I think. This guy, I’m not clear if he’s getting money for the organs, but in his defense he does have a passion for it. He says that rich white people come to Brazil to steal kidneys from the poor, so he is taking some back. You know, to balance things out. The yin and the yang, the circle of life, the bare necessities and all that shit.

I’m making the movie sound real fuckin dumb, and so did the trailers. But the truth is it’s surprisingly decent. It’s directed by John Stockwell, the actor who was in CHRISTINE and now directs movies about surfing and swimming and shit. The acting is pretty good, the photography is nice, there’s only moderate level of bickering, the characters are touristy enough to be organ-bandit-bait but reasonable enough that you root for them to get away. They’re not obnoxious frat boys like in HOSTEL. There’s not alot of jokes and no references to pop culture or other movies. Some of the tension scenes are well done, particularly some long underwater cave sequences sort of reminiscent of THE DESCENT (but without the benefit of weird underground fuckers [or WUFs]). Aside from the opening credits there’s not a single frame that will remind you of this “nu horror” style. And the whole movie has a more-realistic-than-most-horror-movies approach. I didn’t feel insulted like I do by alot of the modern studio horror. The themes are handled with some subtlety. Nobody points out how all the white survivors of the bus crash instinctively segregate themselves and go off together. You got 8 white people in Brazil and only one bothered to learn Portuguese. (The main guy has to be told they’re speaking Portuguese, not Spanish – a rare bit of explaining to us idiots in the audience). There’s also a collaborator with the organ bandits who is learning English, and by actually talking to the gringoes he starts to sympathize with them. While the bad guys chase them they speak un-subtitled Portuguese, so most of us, like the characters, don’t know what they’re up to. I was thinking of seeing BABEL but I don’t think I need to now that I saw this one.

So it’s a much better movie than I expected, but ultimately it’s not good enough. I think it’s too classy for its own good. I like that it’s a smart take on this type of movie, but it’s not all that fun (and not because it’s too grim or anything). When they try to escape there’s some tension, but it doesn’t have that visceral kick of, say WOLF CREEK. The characters are more likable than the pricks in HOSTEL, but what they go through (while more believable) isn’t as compelling, isn’t as cinematic. Also since most of the action takes place in the dark and in the rain it’s hard to see what’s going on, exactly.

But the biggest problem is that the villains aren’t colorful enough. If you made them into monsters it would be kind of racist, so they seem more like action movie villains, and not particularly memorable ones. And that’s a cardinal sin in a horror movie. I think, but I’m not totally sure what a cardinal sin is because I’m not catholic. If it’s a bad sin then that’s what this is, having a bland villain is a bad sin. I’m against it.

In fact, although I enjoyed the movie okay, the most memorable part of the screening was the simple and to the point teaser trailer for THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2. I don’t think they’re gonna have motorbikes or a dog flashback like the original part 2, but it will probaly be faithful to the original in that it will suck. As a teaser though I give it an A+, and TURISTAS should take note: you need some big weird dudes with barb wire on their legs or something if you want me to have a good time.

If you got this far without skipping anything I’m proud of you so I will answer the questions you were gonna post in the talkback. Boobs: two, briefly. Wait, four I think. Ass shots: yes, not naked though. Gore: yes, you got some nasty surgery, but mostly confined to one sequence. This is going for respectable though, more “thriller” than horror. Underwater mutants or shark attacks: sorry, zero.

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/30831

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 3:32 a.m. CST

    Vern is right…

    by oh_riginal

    Here in Seattle, that fucking Ride the Duck is annoying as hell. No matter where I go, I can’t seem to escape that thing! Its like a horror movie situation, hmmm….

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 4:16 a.m. CST

    Err…

    by Anton_Sirius

    Severance is a British film, and it takes the piss out of slashers as much as it is one itself. So how exactly is it a “Hollywood” response to anything? If you’re going to toss around half-assed theories, Mr. Monkey (if that is your real name) at least try to make sure they have some internal consistency.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 4:17 a.m. CST

    The Ducks and the Fish.

    by Traumnovelle

    Yea. I get so fucking irate trying to get through Pike Place. Thats why I make a point to NEVER FUCKING GO THERE, but sometimes I get myself into a jam. Usually I just have to piss badly and I’m two blocks from Lusty Lady’s free facilities so I’m forced to fight the crowds watching the fish throwing. I hate the fucking fish throwing. So much. And don’t get me started on the Ride the Ducks. Normally I can just ignore them, but I’ve broken down before and shouted belligerently and made menacing hand gestures, but I’ll blame that more on probably being drunk. I love this review. He completely got sidetracked and focused on two of the most annoying things in my city. Two more for you: People who walk through that dumb fountain/walkway thing at Westlake and get really excited about it because they got splashed a little, and people who ride the monorail, for any reason. Cause, you know…the monorail is really just a TRAM version of the Ride the Ducks safari adventure. But I digress. I think this shit looks stupid. But I love the message. All foreigners are bloodthirsty organ thieves and we are all better off staying at home. The second you stop loving freedom is the second your kidneys are cut out of your back. Serves them right. Post comment!

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 5:46 a.m. CST

    Christine

    by Franklin T Marmoset

    Didn’t the other actor from Christine also go on to direct? I think he did A Midnight Clear, which was actually a pretty good film. I haven’t seen any by this other Christine fellow. Are they any good?

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 5:57 a.m. CST

    Thanks Vern

    by Ribbons

    I love your reviews so, y’know, keep writing them and stuff.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 6:32 a.m. CST

    Sucks about the lack of shark attacks.

    by instant_karma

    But I still might check this out, if only to add to the list ‘similar genre, but much better than Hostel’ films that I like to reel off to the poor deluded folks that dig that movie.

    BTW Vern, is the square brackets inside the curvy brackets a real grammer thing or were you just improvising?

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 6:36 a.m. CST

    Not as good as The Descent though?

    by The Wrong Guy

    That movie was effing sweet.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 7:24 a.m. CST

    this movie looks like complete ass

    by triplefive

    id rather see the fountain again.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 7:31 a.m. CST

    I liked the Underground tour in Seattle

    by c4andmore

    reminded me of that Kolchak episode

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 7:39 a.m. CST

    Wolf Creek was a huge bummer.

    by Frijole

    Well shot, well acted.

    Horribly paced, horribly plotted.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 8:07 a.m. CST

    It makes you learn an important lesson…

    by brycemonkey

    Wherever you go that isn’t ‘home’ you will be attacked, mutilated and killed by one or more of the following. Werewolves; underground troglodytes;Radiation Mutants; Inbred freaks with chain saw fixations; vampires; torture lovers; hillbillys; outback Aussies; Organ stealers; deranged hitchhikers; maniac cops; transvestites with mother issues; bands of murderous families; the Undead; giant crocodiles or sharks or snakes or ‘insert bitey creature'; Aliens. Any more? It’s a wonder anyone leaves the house really. I’ll let someone else complie a list of the type of things that attack you in your own home, just so you know what to be on the lookout for… Oh, and nice work Vern.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 8:14 a.m. CST

    Americans = afraid of foreigners

    by Cruel_Kingdom

    Also, doesn’t this sound awfully similar to Hostel?

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 8:45 a.m. CST

    Ride the Ducks

    by RetroActive

    They started in Boston, I believe…they’re old converted WWII LCVP boats…the ones that stormed Normandy on D-Day. Yeah, they were annoying from time to time…but I didn’t mind them as much. Tourists can be annoying…but being a former restaurant guy, they help pay the bills in the summertime. If you yell “Quack, Quack!” at them they are forced to respond. Kind of humorous when you’re hung over.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 8:48 a.m. CST

    Correction…

    by RetroActive

    Ride the Ducks is a different company.

    This is the original in Boston.

    http://tinyurl.com/u982n

    They’re more interesting than the Ride the Ducks which are also in Philly. I’ll go away now.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 8:57 a.m. CST

    Hey Vern, don’t bother with BABEL

    by bingo the clown

    It’s basically the emotional equivalent of one of these tourture-fest flicks. A bunch of suffering to no point.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 9:03 a.m. CST

    only 2, maybe 4? LAME

    by godzillasushi

    Thats a shame.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 9:48 a.m. CST

    You’re not a zebra?

    by Spandau Belly

    I think that’s up to me to decide.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 9:57 a.m. CST

    Vern, Next Time You Write A Review Of A Shitty Ripoff

    by www.valiens.com

    …. don’t even bother with the review, just describe more things from your hometown because that’s far more entertaining. Plus who gives a shit about the movie? Certainly not the director; I’m betting not the writer or cast either.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 10:20 a.m. CST

    Hey does anyone know

    by Farley Flavors

    when the movie “Turistas Go Home” is coming out? I’ve been seeing ads for it everywhere! ;-)

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 10:24 a.m. CST

    WOOOO TORTURE PORN!!! Woooooooo

    by wolvenom

    yaaaaaa wooooooooooooooooooooo TORTURE PORN!!!!!!!! Every movie should be called ‘hostel’ in a different language so we know which movies to make a v line toward for the delicious torture porn!! WOooooooooooooooooo TORTURE PORN! WOooooooooooooo

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 10:30 a.m. CST

    I think we are ignoring the most imporant fact here

    by Strshp2rpr

    The director is the guy who played Cougar in Top Gun! How fucking cool is that? Some of his other stuff has been really good…he’s actually legit. Looking forward to this one.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 10:34 a.m. CST

    Further why do people hate tourists????

    by wolvenom

    I don’t hate retarded tourist americans for comming up to canada wondering where the polar bears, eskimos, and igloos are… i kind of enjoy their stupidity when they ask me questions about the city and the area. tourists are awesome> they spend lots of fucking money for whatever shit city you live in they are overly friendly easy to get along with and are always more fun than the other people living in your shit city to drink with> cause they”re always looking for a good time>

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 10:36 a.m. CST

    Yawn, yawn – triple yawn

    by KeithL

    Is anyone else bored as shit with the whole Hollywood torture movie template? C’mon guys – try a reasonably original idea for a change.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 10:40 a.m. CST

    Americans fucking suck…

    by wolvenom

    its one of the reasons i hate visiting the states. they’re fairly unfriendly to tourists. The only friendly part is Florida.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 10:58 a.m. CST

    re: Americans fucking suck

    by Ribbons

    “There are only two things I hate: intolerance, and the Dutch.”

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 11:07 a.m. CST

    Great review.

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    Vern ol’ boy, you still got it. I could indulge the Talkbacker trope of repeating lines of your review I found particularly funny, but instead I’ll just say WELL DONE SIR.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 11:10 a.m. CST

    We have a Duck thing!

    by Cat_Corporation

    In London we have a bus that goes into Thames and out again – that’s what you’re referring to, right? But we also have a builder who drives around in an old-fashioned car that gives out bubbles while he sings ear-splitting karaoke classics over a PA that clearly goes up to 11. Weird. Oh yeah – the movie. Sounds lame.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 11:18 a.m. CST

    Fucking “torture porn” again, huh?

    by Vern

    How come I specifically asked for that debate in the CHAOS talkback and nobody even touched it, but now it comes up in everything I write?

    Well, I think that term is usually exaggerated (if Hostel is torture porn then what is Guinea Pig?) but in this case it doesn’t even fit. There is a scene of organ stealing. There is no torture. This is not about torture nor is about porn, sadly. It’s closer to spelunking porn than torture porn.

    By the way, a clarification about my tourist complaint. Most of the tourists I’m talking about are actually from the area, they just don’t live in the city and every once in a while it’s exciting to come in and watch a dude throw a fish. But they are within driving distance so it is not very feasible to steal their organs without being traced. So it is really not that much for me to brag about that I have avoided stealing their organs. Just common sense.

    And Wolvenom, are you making a joke? Isn’t Florida where all those German tourists kept getting murdered?

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 11:36 a.m. CST

    I liked Wolf Creek a lot..

    by BigTuna

    I enjoyed how it spent a lot of time letting us get to know the characters before all hell breaks loose. It made it more suspenseful when their lives are in danger.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 12:04 p.m. CST

    I liked WOLF CREEK…

    by -guyinthebackrow

    … until I found out, at the end, that it was based in fact. And then I thought, “fuck the director, the writer, the actors, the entire crew, and anyone that likes this exploitation of actual misery.”

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 12:35 p.m. CST

    austin

    by johnnyangelheart

    we’ve got the tourist duck tour thing here in austin, too. i’m smelling me some alien conspiracy. probably disguised alien assault vehicles.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 1:06 p.m. CST

    Hey, I liked those donuts!

    by StovetopStuffin’

    And yes, it was some pierced, just-out-of-college guy who was selling them, but they were good. And my wife loved the flowers. But yeah, the fish throwing….eh. It was just fish being thrown. Not like they were doing fun tricks throwing them, like it was Cocktail or something. No “Hippy Hippy Shake” or anything.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 1:18 p.m. CST

    Tourists

    by RowanM

    I’m sure tourists don’t give a fuck about you either. “Don’t mind us, we’re just pumping shit loads of money into your community.” I think there was something about a review in here somewhere but I lost interest and stopped reading.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 1:43 p.m. CST

    I love tourists…

    by biggles2_22

    for dinner! Hahahahahahaha! (burp)

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 1:50 p.m. CST

    oh and wolvenom…

    by biggles2_22

    Lived in Canada for two years and tell you that you are an exception to what most Canadians feel about American tourism. It’s one of the few industries that keeps the border towns afloat and the Canooks and Yanks have a whole lot more in common than not. But I can appreciate your trying to invoke responses. You must be a lonely little man looking for some attention. Did daddy pull out and leave you feelin’ all empty inside?

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 2:06 p.m. CST

    ZEBRA!

    by Spandau Belly

    See, Vern didn’t deny it in his post! He is a Zebra!

    I can spot a zebra review from a mile* away!

    *(“mile” is what dumb American tourists call a kilometer before they get tortured to death)

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 3:02 p.m. CST

    I saw it; It’s not even as mediocre as he’s saying.

    by Freakemovie

    Just a really horribly cliched piece of horror (you can figure out who’ll die and who’ll live as soon as everybody’s introduced), with an extended climax in a series of caves so dark its impossible to tell whats going on. All this talk about better “realism” is probably mostly a result of shaky and grainy camera work; the actual plot is incrediby formulaic. It’s trying to get hardcore-horror cred through two scenes: a particularly grisly fall off a cliff, and an extended scene of a girl getting her organs taken out. I realize there’s a fan base for crap like that, but even if you happen to be in it, the movie still sucks. Don’t be fooled.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 3:02 p.m. CST

    I saw it; It’s not even as mediocre as he’s saying.

    by Freakemovie

    Just a really horribly cliched piece of horror (you can figure out who’ll die and who’ll live as soon as everybody’s introduced), with an extended climax in a series of caves so dark its impossible to tell whats going on. All this talk about better “realism” is probably mostly a result of shaky and grainy camera work; the actual plot is incrediby formulaic. It’s trying to get hardcore-horror cred through two scenes: a particularly grisly fall off a cliff, and an extended scene of a girl getting her organs taken out. I realize there’s a fan base for crap like that, but even if you happen to be in it, the movie still sucks. Don’t be fooled.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 3:03 p.m. CST

    crap

    by Freakemovie

    apparently I pressed the mouse button twice with lightning speed

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 3:19 p.m. CST

    Wolf Creek and Fish Throwing…

    by brycemonkey

    there’s a subject I never thought I’d write. Wolf Creek was good but the whole ‘based on a true story’ thing is shit. If anything Hitcher is more the true story there. The Cohens were right to put ‘BOATS’ on Fargo because that’s what every modern film maker is doing these days. I’d much prefer to see ‘Based on an original story and screen play’ rather than all that recycled and grasping for relevance tripe. Anyway, rant over. Also with the fish, are they alive? And do they juggle them or is it more like a game of frisbee?

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 3:28 p.m. CST

    WUF

    by Holodigm

    the new classic term from Vern

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 4:06 p.m. CST

    Wolvenom

    by JackieJokeman

    People probably arent very nice to you when you travel or when you stay right in your home town. The reason? Youre kind of a dick.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 7:47 p.m. CST

    Florida Hates Tourists Too!

    by Marv Spaulding

    But only tourists from other states. Foreigners are fine, they’re much less annoying than other Americans.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 8:44 p.m. CST

    you know what’s worse than regular tourists?

    by occula

    FRENCH CANADIAN TOURISTS. OK, if there are any french canadians out there, i apologize, but i also hope you have never been a tourist. because if i ever see you, trying to run over someone’s grandma in your giant RV whilst wearing a banana hammock and drinking a Molson, I will hunt you down and murder you. if i ever go to canadia, i will do mitzvahs and feed the poor and kiss babies and do whatever else it takes to balance out all the french canadian tourists who have ruined my vacations and the vacations and lives of many others. that being said, vern is funny.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 10:34 p.m. CST

    Hilarious.

    by Lucasblows

    Vern is easily the best reviewer on this site.

  • Nov. 29, 2006, 10:38 p.m. CST

    to Guy in the Back Row

    by Vern

    Like Brycemonkey said, Wolf Creek is not really based on a true story. It comes closer than Texas Chain Saw Massacre I guess, but the “based on true events” claim just comes from the fact that there were a few murders of backpackers out in rural areas of Australia like that. The media has tried to tie the movie to specific cases but they can’t even agree which one it’s based on. (see the wikipedia for more info.)

    The Child’s Play series however is 100% true, except for part 3 which is mostly bullshit.

  • Nov. 30, 2006, 12:50 a.m. CST

    YAWN More Torture

    by Sepulchrave

    Desensitised and bored. Tired of this stuff. Not even funny anymore, just feels like I’m being softened up for the REAL torture and violence out there in the world. Cynical, unoriginal crud from boy-men with small penises and low success rates with women working out their porno fantasies. Count me out.

  • Nov. 30, 2006, 2:33 a.m. CST

    What part of THERE’S NO GOD DAMN TORTURE IN THE MOVIE

    by Vern

    do you not understand? Must be the ‘THERE’S NO GOD DAMN’ part, you got the rest. So I don’t know what else to say to you.

  • Nov. 30, 2006, 3:16 a.m. CST

    I loved Wolf Creek

    by smackfu

    I avoided it for a full year because everyone said it was shit. Then I watched it, and it left a knot in my gut. I watched it thinking it really WAS based on a true events, which made it’s brutality hit me even harder. And I have never seen an on-screen villian that I hated more than ‘Uncle Mike’.

  • Nov. 30, 2006, 3:21 a.m. CST

    continued

    by smackfu

    And I wouldn’t really classify it as ‘torture porn’. It was more the joy the killer took in his brutality, and the director was very good at toying with the audience in making it look like a character was going to survive then yanking the carrot away.

  • Nov. 30, 2006, 4:44 a.m. CST

    Florida is nice to tourists?

    by JackRabbitSlim

    Then why does it seem that every year some Euro tourist gets killed after wandering into Liberty City, Overtown or Carol City?’

    BTW – there is only one true torture porn movie and that is Salo. Torturing tourists blows – putting 14 year olds in simulated agony is truly demented.

  • Nov. 30, 2006, 8:27 a.m. CST

    TURISTAS is portuguese for TOURISTS!

    by spiceee

    Vern needs to get some portuguese lessons ASAP!

  • Nov. 30, 2006, 1:44 p.m. CST

    Clarify: Ass shots…male or female?

    by Ellipsian

    Hey, just askin’…

  • Nov. 30, 2006, 3:32 p.m. CST

    fish

    by canopus

    I worked at a place that showed us a video of that fish thing in Seattle. They claimed we could learn valuable lessons to apply to our work from it. Considering it was a call center, that didn’t make much sense to me. I guess having fun while you work was what they were going for, but it was about the biggest hell hole I ever worked in, even worse than my teenage fast food job.

  • Dec. 4, 2006, 12:21 p.m. CST

    canopus…

    by Ellipsian

    …Holy shit I so had to watch that too! And I worked in a call center also, which in and of itself wasn’t overly hellish, but to me the job in general was. Man, I can almost remember that damn fish throwing video and how your attitude made your job better and blah, blah blah…

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 29th, 2006 at 2:03 am and is filed under AICN, Horror, Mystery, Reviews, Thriller. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

3 Responses to “Vern Reviews TURISTAS!!”

  1. I saw this in theaters for some reason, I wasn’t impressed

  2. I watched this the other night at 1 in the morning when I was pretty drunk and a lot of the stuff in this review is news to me.

  3. this is a great review though

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