Texas Chainsaw 3D

tn_texaschainsaw3dAbout a third of the way into TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D, when the sound of the heroes’ van rolling off the road faded and I realized that everybody else in the theater was laughing too, it was clear we were on the same page. This is a dumb fucking movie, but we’re enjoying it. That’s not what I want from a sequel to my favorite horror movie of all time, but it’s about the best I hoped for. So I’m chalking this up as a win.

I have long considered Marcus Nispel’s 2003 remake TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE to not exist, and now I’ve been proven right. If there really was a remake (and a prequel to the remake) then how do you explain this being a direct sequel to Tobe Hooper’s original 1974 masterpiece, smart guy? Nope. No remake. If there ever was one it doesn’t matter ’cause there isn’t anymore.


The only problem with that is that it means Hooper’s 1986 sequel masterpiece TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 doesn’t exist either, and that I cannot abide. TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D does give the family the last name “Sawyer,” which comes from part 2, but none of the continuity links up. In this timeline The Old Man/The Cook/Drayton Sawyer died back in 1974, and was played by Bill Moseley instead of Jim Siedow, which means Nam Land, the Last Roundup Rolling Grill and Chop Top never existed. This kind of thing is why the Star Trek people aren’t allowed to fuck around with timelines.

mp_texaschainsaw3dThis sequel opens with footage from the original, filtered a little bit but beautifully 3D-ified. I honestly was thrilled to see all these iconic shots (the metal door, the hook, the swing/butt shot, hitchhiker getting run over, the chainsaw dance…) poking out of the screen. They did a great job. Then it continues, with the sheriff showing up at the house trying to get the killers to give themselves up. Suddenly there are a whole bunch of old bearded guys in the family (including Gunnar Hansen), and I’m not sure if we’re supposed to imagine they were there all along or if Drayton called them for support in his time of crisis.

The family decide they’re gonna give up “the boy” or “Jed,” who we of course know as “Leatherface” or “Bubba.” Unfortunately a gang of yahoo yokels show up in their Trans Ams and pickup trucks, shoot everybody and burn down the house, as either an allusion to A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET or the events of Waco, Texas, 1993. I like the irony of this, that the real massacre is these guys killing the Sawyer family. Of course, they dropped ‘MASSACRE’ from the title to make it more aerodynamic. They also dropped the ‘THE’ which is too bad, I would like it to be THE TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D.

Anyway these vigilante murderers dig through the wreckage for souvenirs. One guy finds a severed arm, another guy the chainsaw, and one guy finds a baby. It’s very comedic the way he sneaks it to his wife and then tries to act real casual so the fellas don’t notice what he scored. Good find.

Fast forward to… unspecified amount of years later. It seems to be the present day (there’s an iPhone later on), but the baby has grown into Heather, played by Alexandra Daddario, who in reality was born in 1986. So whenever the date of the massacre is mentioned they don’t say what year. When we see tombstones of the people killed the year is covered by grass.

Heather never knew that she was “adopted” (stolen from a crime scene) until her previously unknown grandmother died and left her an estate in Newt, Texas. Along with her boyfriend (Tremaine “Trey Songz” Neverson, a singer I believe), her best friend Nikki (Tania Raymonde), a guy who looks like Lance Bass (Keram Malicki-Sanchez) and a drifter they pick up at a gas station (Shaun Sipos) she heads to Texas to sign the papers and find out what she’s won. It turns out to be a big mansion with Leatherface locked in the basement. And he gets out.

At that point it becomes an extended chase, which is fun, and then there is a major shift and it goes somewhere completely, hilariously unexpected.

If you are of the superstitious type who believes that the remake exists, you could argue that on a technical level that’s a better movie than this is. It definitely looks better, it’s more atmospheric, and probly closer to being scary since it has R. Lee Ermey being such a nut in it. And this sequel, despite an assboatload of fannish homages (the sheriff is named Hooper, the combination on a lock is the date that the first took place, several of the most famous moments are re-created, including the eerie flash bulb sound both for camera and non-camera related scenes, John Dugan returns as Grandpa, Marilyn Burns plays the grandmother, they built a duplicate of the original house, I think the other side of the family is even named after part 2 writer L.M. Kit Carson…), repeats what would be the remake’s greatest sins, were it a movie that existed:
1. making it just about Leatherface, no interaction with other family members

and

2. making Leatherface just a generic killer, not showing any of the goofy manchild personality he had in part 1 and part 2

In fact, only THE NEXT GENERATION (part 4) could claim to have a worse Leatherface. This guy (the actor is named Dan Yeager) does not look very cool, his mask has the dumb evil brow like in the remake, and his movements might as well be Jason or any other killer. On the positive side, he does wear a tie like the one in the original (he puts it on for a special occasion) and there is one little moment after he cut off a guy’s face when he does a bit of a dance of excitement. That was the only part where he seemed like Leatherface.

Those are big things, but the sequel also has two distinct advantages over the remake:

A. it’s not a remake, so it doesn’t have to be compared to the original, you compare it to the sequels, only one of which is really good

B. it’s actually fun. It’s not just trying to be grim and rub your nose in shit like a bad dog. It had us all laughing. Sometimes intentionally, I think. Not most of the time, though.

Daddario, who was a really good final girl in BEREAVEMENT, is not as real in this one. I mostly rooted for her, but I also laughed when she failed to clear a short wire barrier in a garden and bit it. She looks even more cartoonishly hot than in the other movie. She has piercing eyes like a model, big boobs, and shows her bellybutton for almost the entire movie. She chooses to wear a midriff-exposing sweater for her trip. After she’s attacked and escapes the police give her a new shirt, which she wears with the lower three buttons undone. Later she’s tied up with the shirt open, and when she gets away she buttons it up again, still only at the top. I mean I don’t know, she must have some kind of problem that it gets overheated or something, she needs to keep it aired out.

Let me be clear, none of this is a complaint. The older I get the more I appreciate this type of thing. Apologies. But it’s an example of how this is more like an ’80s formula slasher movie than it’s like the original TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. Other ways: the first victim is an asshole that tries to rip off the heroes. Another victim smokes pot and seduces her best friend’s long term boyfriend. Another victim is the cheating boyfriend. This is a dumb movie. If you’re gonna appreciate it it’s gotta be on the level of a later FRIDAY THE 13TH, not a Chainsaw Massacre.

I’m gonna have to look up who Trey Songz is, I know I heard the name before, but I didn’t know until I saw it trending on Twitter that it was a big deal he was gonna be in this and that everybody assumed he would die first since he’s the black guy. Well this is Obama’s America, motherfuckers, so he dies third, I think. Spoiler.

UPDATE: I have been informed that he is a singer/rapper. So his fate might have to do with the rule that a rapper cannot be killed in a sequel to an iconic slasher movie (examples: LL Cool J in HALLOWEEN H20, Busta Rhymes in HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION) unless they are playing themselves (Redman in SEED OF CHUCKY). In this case I think since he’s also a singer it splits the difference, he survives halfway through. Or maybe the rule only applies to Michael Myers, like maybe the Thorn Cult cursed him to be unable to kill rappers. We’re gonna need more data to be sure.

If you’re gonna look at the racial politics of the thing I think the more interesting aspect is that the white heroine is with the black guy, and nobody every says anything about it, even in Texas. That’s kinda progressive, but then they wimp out by having their sex scene get interrupted and then having him cheat on her instead of be a good boyfriend. And even though she doesn’t know about that she doesn’t seem too broken up about his death. He’s never mentioned again.

(For those who have seen it, wasn’t that a missed opportunity that after he was dead in the car wreck and Nikki was freaking out Heather didn’t ask, “Why isn’t he wearing a shirt?”)

There are many good laughs from funny lines and happenings. For example I like the part where the lawyer (Richard Riehl) won’t go onto the property with her, pretending he has another appointment and then getting the fuck out of there. And I really got a kick out of Leatherface running into a public place with his saw, something I always thought should happen in a sequel. Unfortunately he doesn’t nail anybody, but at least he chases Heather up a ferris wheel and then throws his saw at the camera (in 3D!).

But in the bad-slasher tradition alot of the laughs come from the characters being stupid. It’s just funny to have a car not turning over and the passengers keep yelling at the driver to start the car, as if they don’t understand how it works. Or when the girl shoots through a door and the boyfriend keeps asking “Did you hit him?” as if she is gonna somehow know any better than him. Heather is the toughest and most reasonable one of the bunch, but she makes some hilarious mistakes. One weird touch is when she crashes a van through a barn to where here friends are, yells at them to get in… but then has her boyfriend drive.

The best one is that the lawyer gives her a letter from her grandma and tells her to be sure to read it, then she doesn’t until the end when he is shocked to find out she hasn’t read it. It sure would’ve been helpful since it explained everything.

Another funny moment is when the two cheaters come out off their sex barn, they see this nut wearing a skinmask sawing into a grave, and they yell “Hey!”, causing him to come after them. That one is actually a believable stupid mistake for them to make, that’s why I liked it. It’s true to life.

There’s one part that works as a small piece of commentary, but probly wasn’t intended as one. When Nikki tries to shoot Leatherface she feels the need to one-line and yells, “Welcome to Texas, motherfucker!” The thing about it is that Leatherface is the one welcoming her to Texas. She just drove from an unspecified (I think) other state and arrived today on his property but is so self-absorbed that she has claimed Texas as her home and its natives as her guests. I’ve always loved the way the original TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE uses the protagonists being trespassing out-of-towners to make everything extra uncomfortable. Here they’re not trespassing, because Heather legitimately owns the place, but Nikki manages to figure out a way to still be an obnoxious tourist.

I could not in good conscience recommend this if that was all there was to it, but the true worth of the movie is in the preposterous third act. If you’re into shitty slasher sequels like I am please see the movie first, but since I know some of you will never watch it I gotta SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER share this with you guys. See, once Heather escapes she gets to the sheriff, who is trustworthy because he was the one who tried to legitimately arrest Leatherface back in unspecified year. But he gets taken aside by the mayor, who was the leader of the vigilante lynch mob and is still a total asshole, and Heather is left alone with a box labeled “EVIDENCE.” She starts looking through it, reads the police reports and newspaper articles and figures out that she is Leatherface’s cousin and that these people murdered her entire family. So suddenly it becomes the story of the rednecks coming after her because she’s a Sawyer and she knows the truth. They’re the ones that tie her up at the slaughterhouse, and Leatherface does show up and almost saw her arms off but she’s able to prove that they’re related and then they team up, like Sanaa Lathan and the Predator in AvP! I swear to you that she calls him “cuz” and throws him his saw. There are many beautiful moments of absurdity in this scene, but to me the highlight of the whole movie is afterwards when the two of them walk away together, then sit in the kitchen exhausted. It’s just great to get that in a movie, that awkward moment between the gorgeous young woman and the mentally disabled cannibal graverobber that murdered her boyfriend and friends but then she found out he was her cousin and now they’re gonna live together in a mansion.

You may have a hard time believing that that inbred freak could be related to this girl:

still_texaschainsaw3d

 

but you should know that she works in the meat department of a grocery store and uses chicken bones in her multi-media artwork. So she’s a Sawyer.

The 3D is decent. I wish it was more of a gimmick-fest like MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D and FRIDAY THE 13TH 3D, but it does have some cool shots and several protruding chainsaws. It’s worth it for the main extended saw-in-your-face scene and especially the dimensionalized footage from the original. Even seeing Franklin’s flashlight beam shine out of the screen was cool. And I always get a kick out of 3D that doesn’t make sense, like when the photos of the vigilantes posing with their trophies are 3D, or the graphics on an iPhone.

I should also point out that Clint Eastwood’s son Scott plays a cop in this. He doesn’t talk as cool as Clint but he looks exactly like him. He could play Wolverine some day, maybe.

Anyway, I had fun, and I’d love to see what the hell would happen in the direct sequel to this one. But if I gotta choose whether this happened or part 2 happened then sorry, TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D, but lick my plate ya dog dick.


This entry was posted on Saturday, January 5th, 2013 at 3:41 am and is filed under Horror, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

45 Responses to “Texas Chainsaw 3D”

  1. Ok so now I’m going to see this.
    Btw Scott Eastwood looks like he could play Sam Seaborn’s surfer dude younger brother.

  2. vern edit: GRIFF PUT A HUGE ASS SPOILER HERE THAT I TRIED TO BE SENSITIVE ABOUT IN THE REVIEW BECAUSE I AM SENSITIVE WHEN IT COMES TO IMPORTANT TEXAS CHAINSAW MATERIAL

    so the girl TEAMS UP with Leatherface?

    fucking lol, now I have to see this when it hits the blu ray

  3. That spoiler’s kind of showing up in the recent posts, Griff.
    Sounds like a fun flick though.

  4. you just sold me on something I had zero interest in seeing before…

  5. That spoiler section kind of reminds me of this comic book, Hack/Slash, which is about a victim of Jason type horror monsters who teams up with a friendly gentle giant monster in a gas mask to kill other “slashers.” I wonder if the writers got any inspiration from the comic, or if they were merely struck by the muse. I think the final girl/monster team up could be used in other series. I would love to see a Nancy/Freddy road movie.

  6. I like how The Texas Chainsaw Massacre has become like The Legend of Zelda of horror movie franchises, what with all the different timelines and iterations….

  7. I had some interest in this film because it is a great combination of subject matter (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and format (3D). However, I was realistic that it was going to be bad, but I never expected it to be so bad that it would become enjoyable. Vern’s review, and the 3rd act spoilers actually make want to catch this in theaters.

    Vern, Trey Songz, is a singer/rapper that has had a few good collaborations with Drake including the hilariously ridiculous “I Invented Sex”, but is probably best known for his song “Bottoms Up” a shameless R Kelly knock off featuring Nicki Minaj. You might know him from the soundtrack to STEP UP 2 THE STREETS and STEP UP 3D.

  8. How about they redo Guilt Trip with Jason and his mom?

  9. Yet again, Vern’s words are exactly my thoughts on a movie, his review my reaction.

    I can confidently say that this is the best movie of 2013 so far.

    Yes, I was waiting for Final Girl to say something about her boyfriend not having on a shirt and her lady pal not having on pants. Missed joke opportunity. Still funny, though.

    I like that there is an anti-gun message in this movie. That one cop is so gung ho about his “extended mag Desert Eagle” I think he says, as he fingers it delicately with a sicko Texas gun nut smile on his face
    (I call it the “NRA ‘O’ Face.”),
    then when he sees the secret basement area he is no longer empowered or embravened by his stupid little gun, and then he commits an accidental murder on the poor girl in the freezer. So his gun ends up doing more harm than good, and of course he gets thrashed. And the gun is useless as he’s getting thrashed.

    He gets killed by Leatherface as much as by the movie’s message, which in my opinion is “Guns are for pussies; real bloodlusting freaks use power tools & sledgehammers, bitch!”

    Might slightly conflict with the movie’s other message, “Welcome to Texas, motherfucker!” but only if you think too hard about real life & real Texas’s pro-gun culture.

    Also, this line, “Welcome to Texas, motherfucker!” (a great-stupid line in a good-ish movie), made me laugh anew at that horrible, stupid, out-of-place “Welcome to Scotland!” bit at the end of SKYFALL, a terrible line in a bad movie.

    I agree with Vern on the humorous ridiculousness of the final act, the twist, but I can not abide so much text-reading. It’s bad cinema. Final Girl’s eyes become our eyes way too much when she’s checking out headlines, printed documents, paragraphs of police reports…
    jesus, the movie cuts to lines of text (in 3D!!!!!!) as though it was trying to achieve The Rake Effect – the first 2 headlines & words you see, it’s helpful & informative, then when you see more it’s funny because the movie doesn’t realize it’s unnecessary & boring, then when you see zoomed-in shots of another random word, and another, and another, and another random gruesome word, it’s like the movie doesn’t realize how boring & dumb this is, then a different scene happens in a different setting thank god, and then the movie cuts back to Final Girl still sitting at the same table, still reading!, and it zooms in on another random string of words on a police report, and another, so I don’t know if I’m laughing *at* inept film editing & horrible script pacing & a clumsy exposition dump, or if I’m laughing *with* it. Anyway, it’s as boring & ridiculous as the same issue I had with all the lame research scenes in THE GIRL WITH DRAGON TATTOO. But I guess it’s funny, too.

    The most infuriating part of this movie, other than the sacrilege of the title & the general $en$e of rip-off-ine$$
    (all of which I forgave as soon as the flying chainsaw helicoptered into my face during the carnival scene),
    is that it commits the sin of showing a character punching a bag & practicing kickboxing in the beginning and then doing nothing with it. Didn’t the filmatists read my complaints about THE TRANSPORTER 2? And Vern’s complaints about THE MECHANIC REMAKE? What the fuck? Big missed opportunity to see Trey Songz rabbit-punch a giant redneck psycho.

    On the family ties discovery: Leatherface sees the birthmark on her boob, so it’s a good thing she had as much of her chest exposed as possible, huh? Smart costume choice; obviously the aesthetics of Final Girl’s amazing body had nothing to do with it, it was all script-based and important to the movie series’s legacy. *cough*

    “Do your thing, cuz.” I loved it.

    On a personal note, Alexandra Daddario is a dead ringer for my current ladyfriend. Not bragging (She’s a solid 8, 8.5.), but truth. I guess I musta never saw any previews for TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D, and I musta never saw anything else with Alexandra Daddario in it, cuz this was a strange shock last night. It’s uncanny. I felt, like, disoriented by it, having this clone of the girl onscreen next to me, and I wasn’t sure if she was realizing the same thing until a guy next to her blurted out, “Damn, she fine… is that your sister up there, girl?” and then we realized there was half a row of guys next to us who I guess had noticed my date when we walked in right before previews and they all were thinking the same thing, idiotically looking over at us to see if the twin of the star of the movie was there on opening night.

    My Alexandra clone has a slightly more oval face, tanner skin, and her lower body doesn’t look like it’s being constantly tugged in opposite vertical directions into plasticine mannequin-esque tautness, but other than that the resemblance is spot on. Weird. I’ll have to be careful when I meet her extended family next Christmas.

    In conclusion, TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D is the worst movie of 2013 so far.

  10. Thanks for the spoilers, Vern. I find that I am so disenchanted with the narrative choices and storytelling abilities of the hacks chosen to perform involuntary necromancy on my favorite film franchises that it’s better if I have all of the idiocy spelled out for me months before I finally give in and watch them. That last act probably would have enraged me if I’d seen it fresh, but now that I know it’s coming, I’ll probably be able to slough it off with a bitter little laugh that will only cost me a tiny sliver of my soul.

    Mouth: Demerits for being so déclassé as to grade women on a numbers scale. Everybody knows the modern sophisticate prefers a ranking of between one and five cartoon boners.

  11. Can´t you still grade women on the fingerscale? ( how many fingers you are willing to cut off for her) Or am I just out of date?

  12. Damn, I thought Vanessa would be the one to give me a hard time when she saw this thread, but now instead I have to explain myself to a couple of dudes questioning my sexist numerical objectification of women.

    My grading system happens to be the same as my movie assessment scale:
    1: no redeeming facet; you question why it exists
    2: could technically be worse; at best, uninspired & pointless
    3: severely flawed & grating, though there’s a hint of something adequate or interesting
    4: not embarrassingly bad, but nothing you’d want to spend time with
    5: adequate, wouldn’t tell your friends about it or be seen in public with it; best when drunk
    6: pleasant & pleasurable enough that you’ll say outright that you like it; still kinda plain or flawed
    7: will hold hands with in public, but not rushing to hyperbolic exchanges of affection (when sober)
    8: could even pass for a 9 sometimes with a nice skirt, or if she’s good at Jeopardy! or basketball
    9: Marry me, but first let me show you off to everyone I’ve ever known.
    10: very rare masterpiece; a goddess you’re afraid to touch because it would ruin her perfection

  13. TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D is a 6.4.

  14. I like the idea of Mouth continuing to use the number scale to grade ladies, but using the cartoon boner scale Mr. M suggested to rate films.

    Mouth, if TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D is a 6.5 what would that equal on a scale of 1 to 5 cartoon boners?

  15. Can’t get down with envisioning multiple erections, but I might say that, on a genitalia rating scale of
    shrinkage – to – flaccid – to – semi-chub – to – high noon – to – glistening titanium missile, TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D is just ready to jimmy wrap & penetrate.

    Not much rewatchability, though, so don’t expect it to go multiple rounds. It’s no 2-pump chump, but it’ll definitely pass out for the night once it shoots its load.

    Yeah, I’ll stick to my numbers system.

  16. Mouth’s comments reminded me of a line I really wanted to discuss, so I added a new paragraph to the review:

    There’s one part that works as a small piece of commentary, but probly wasn’t intended as one. When Nikki tries to shoot Leatherface she feels the need to one-line and yells, “Welcome to Texas, motherfucker!” The thing about it is that Leatherface is the one welcoming her to Texas. She just drove from an unspecified (I think) other state and arrived today on his property but is so self-absorbed that she has claimed Texas as her home and its natives as her guests. I’ve always loved the way the original TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE uses the protagonists being trespassing out-of-towners to make everything extra uncomfortable. Here they’re not trespassing, because Heather legitimately owns the place, but Nikki manages to figure out a way to still be an obnoxious tourist.

  17. Mouth, I think TC3D would be having a much better opening weekend if the poster for the film featured the quote “TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D is wrapped and ready to penetrate”. However, I understand sticking with a traditional number scale for rating films over using cartoon penises.

  18. Of course you had to discuss the film’s only utterance of “motherfucker,” Vern.
    Must’ve slipped your mind while writing the original post due to you being too relieved & excited at the non-New Line Cinematization-Platinum Dunes-ification of this one.

    One other great touch that might make TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D fun to rewatch:

    Leatherface washes his hands before he threads a needle and puts on his skin mask.

    He still has nasty fingertips & cuticles, he uses comically large, coarse fabric as the thread, and he unflinchingly impales his own cheek to attach his disgusting leather face, but he sort of tries to sanitize his hands first. I laughed.

  19. Looks like this made 20 million or so this weekend which almost guarantees we might get that Leatherface road movie after all.

  20. SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER THISISASPOILERINMYOPINION VERN IS ADDING A SPOILER WARNING TO THIS ONE……….. ………………….. ……… ……… ……….. ………… ………… ……………… …………. ……………

    So they team up in the last act. Awesome. Now I definitely am looking forward towards seeing this at some point.

    Definitely a good use of the SPOILERSPOILERSPOILER space to sell people who aren’t convinced.

  21. Jareth Cutestory

    January 7th, 2013 at 8:11 am

    I don’t think there is a number-ranking-system or boner-ranking-system that can quite address the discomfort of the camera leering at Malcolm in the Middle’s geeky little friend.

  22. Apologies. I wasn’t even thinking. Makes my comment all the more ironic in its obliviousness.

  23. Since the 3D is firmly incorporated into the title (as per the poster and IMDB entry), what will this be called when hitting DVD and regular, non-3D Blu-Ray? “Texas Chainsaw 2D”? “Texas Chainsaw 3D (presented in 2D)”?

  24. Probably just TEXAS CHAINSAW.

  25. It’ll be even more of a debacle than when they released PIRANHA 3DD on video by the completely nonsensical title PIRANHA DD.

  26. Here they just called it PIRANHA 2.

  27. The actual onscreen title is just “TEXAS CHAINSAW,” so that’ll be the DVD title I’m sure.

  28. See, your wishes can come true lol

    After Leatherface cut The Hobbit down to size last weekend to become the country’s top-grossing film, he’s headed back to the slaughterhouse for another helping of Texas Chainsaw Massacre mayhem. Millennium Films is moving ahead with Texas Chainsaw 4, with production to begin later this year in Louisiana.

    http://www.deadline.com/2013/01/millennium-films-revs-another-texas-chainsaw-massacre/

  29. OK, I’ll be the one; 4? What’s the math there?

  30. I don’t know where they got 4 from? Aren’t there four Texas Chainsaw Massacres prior to the reboots? And if this one is a sequel, then do the previous three sequels also count. If that’s the case, then 3D would be number 5 and the next sequel will be 6. But even if you don’t count the original three sequels, then 3D would be 2 and the next film will be 3. I just don’t get their system.

  31. I’m pretty sure the thinking is that the two films Hooper made are the only true canon, until they came along and made their part 3(D), making this new one part 4.

  32. but didn’t they disregard Hooper’s 2?

  33. Griff is right, the 3D Leatherverse does not allow room for the events of part 2. They have the Cook dying just after part 1 and Leatherface being in hiding, presumed dead until now. On the other hand they do use the name “Drayton Sawyer” for the Cook, so we know they’ve at least seen part 2.

    But “only the Tobe Hooper ones count” seems to be the best explanation for this numbering anyway. I’ll take it. Let him direct the new one, though, see what happens with that.

  34. TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 is actually Cannon,but not canon?

  35. Isn’t this the time when we all suggest “clever” sequel titles?

    TEXAS CHAINSAW FOREVER

    TEXAS CHAINSAW 4EVER

    TEXAS CHAINSAW: REDEMPTION (or RETRIBUTION, of course) (or REQUIEM, of course, it’s all the same meaningless bullshit now)

    ROBERT RODRIGUEZ PRESENTS: TEXAS CHAINSAW 4D 3D: THE OLFACTORY IN YOUR FACE EXPERIENCE

    TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D 2: LEATHERFACE BOOGALOO

    TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE AGAIN: LEATHERFACE RISING: A STUDIO CHIEF’S JANUARY BONUS IN THE FORM OF ANOTHER DECENT SLASHER MOVIE WITH 3D TICKET SURCHARGES: AS EASY AS PRINTING OUR OWN MONEY AT THIS POINT

    All that standard uninspired internet snark shit to help out the studios, you know how it is.

  36. I may eventually see this, Vern’s review, the reveal, the comments, and now this push-back on the sequel and for fuck’s sake, a fight over credit:

    “This wouldn’t be the first time when a surprise hit leads to everyone and his brother jumping up to take credit. Mazzocone and Burg were surprised yesterday when the Los Angeles Times did a big glowing profile on Lati Grobman and Christa Campbell, who were trumpeted as producers in the headline, but who are listed as executive producers in the credits. Mazzocone and Burg said they were kissed into those credits at the request of Lerner, and that they served no creative role and barely if at all showed up on the set. Millennium countered that they convinced Lerner to get involved, since Texas Chainsaw 3D isn’t usually up his alley.”

    http://www.deadline.com/2013/01/not-so-fast-avi-lerner-chainsaw-rights-holder-slices-sequel-plans/

  37. It didn’t occur to me until today that Part 2 was from Cannon, and Part 3D is from Millennium, the closest thing to a 21st century Cannon.

  38. wow, this was really, depressingly bad. maybe i had my hopes a little too high after reading this and seeing a few other people giving it a pass but even expecting the worst i still dont think i would have found anything to like about it. if you are going to take away both the grit and the weirdness of TCM, you better find something interesting to replace them with – this did not.

  39. This is a deeply stupid movie. Surprisingly, I didn’t like it all that much. SPOILER My favorite part was the sheriff is like “Clean this shit up” and that’s the end of it. You got seven dead bodies splattered all over town, one of them the mayor, whose son is sitting right outside the building he got mulched in, but hey, this podunk sheriff said it was over, so I guess it’s over. I’m sure everyone’s relatives will assume they just ran away or something.

    Oh wait, my favorite part was the fucked-up chronology. I’m guessing Final Girl was supposed to be 20 or 21, which implies that the original took place in, like, 1990. Somehow I can’t imagine those kids turning on that van’s radio and tuning in to New Kids on the Block. Just doesn’t seem right.

    Also, how the hell did Grandma have a big-ass mansion while her kin (including her own daughter and granddaughter) were living out in that decrepit farmhouse? Maybe if she’d been a little more generous with her money her kin wouldn’t have be forced to subsist on people meat? Just sayin’.

  40. Being a total trekkie for Texas Chain Saw I sometimes try to figure out what I would do if for some reason I got to write a Texas Chain Saw sequel. With this one, I have no idea how the fuck you continue from that ending, that’s why I really hope they do it so I can find out.

    One thing though: since they establish that she’s an artist at the beginning of this one they could use my idea of the family getting involved in a BODIES: THE EXHIBITION type art show.

  41. Well, Grandma’s letter did say that Final Girl and Leatherface were the last of “my line of Sawyers,” so there should be extended family out there. Maybe they hear that the one rich member of the family has finally kicked it and they come looking for their cut. They try to sweet-talk it out of Final Girl first, but when she won’t budge, they try to take it, so the second act is a home invasion movie with Leatherface as the hero. Then when that doesn’t work they call in reinforcements that come roaring into town on dune buggies with harpoon guns that shoot chainsaw spears attached to them. Along the way you find out that the Carters and the Sawyers have had a Hatfield/McCoy thing going on for generations, so Final Girl calls in her own reinforcements, and you have a big ol’ hillbilly battle royale. By the end of it, some Sawyers have switched sides and made amends with the Carters, so you have a bunch of them living in the house together, ready to start up the old ways.

    This movie is the RIDDICK of horror: Not very good, but that ending makes me want to see another one anyway.

  42. The 3D carnival incursion is still on my shortlist for best scenes of 2013 cinema. (chainsaw in the face!!!)

  43. Halloween gave me an excuse to finally see this one (in 2D) and I enjoyed it way more than I probably should have.

    It reminded me of old 80s horror where you just laugh at the comical strings of ineptitude and bad decision making on behalf of the main characters. I also got a kick out of the way they tried to hide how messed up the timeline is (cropping out the dates on old newspapers, overgrown grass on tombstones etc). Given the belly shirts and lack of cell phones, they probably could have set in in the mid 90s if they wanted to. There’s also some weird shit you wouldn’t expect to see in a theatrical release, like when Leatherface is chainsawing his way through a chain-link fence at a carnival and there are crowds of attendees just wandering by obliviously in the background.

    And that third act twist. Holy shit! I can’t wait to see how they follow up on that one. Maybe Heatherface will get arrested in connection to the murders and Leatherface will have to chainsaw his way through a police station to bust her out.

  44. Ooh, I like that idea.

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